damn it all

So I was fine until a little Keebler Elf decided to start tinking away at my wall. I managed to find my old journals and leafed through some of them. It has not gotten any easier to read about the stuff I wrote in them. Everything from my escape, my life, the ups and downs. It truly is a rough experience for me to have to relive them, but if I am going to write that one-man show Jorge keeps forcing me to do then I guess I have to come to grips with my life and not escape from it. I would say denial, but I hate that word. And I hate that I am letting someone in again. I prefer keeping people at distances. I know how to maintain great friendships without ever getting too close, and while that may not neccesarily be healthy, it saves a lot of grief in the end. I worked hard at building my wall and learned my lesson about letting people in, but damn it all if it is not happening. Not that I don;t know how to remedy it, but that would be worse than allowing the natural course of what some little evil gnomes are attempting to do. And I say all this knowing the person will read it and have some glee.

But in seriousness, maybe this is a sign that I need to get cracking on this play. Why the hell not? Sara keeps telling me to do stand-up, Jorge wants the one man show, and I certainly know the benefits that can be attained from writing and performing something like that. As much as I would hate to relive any part of my past in print or in performance I think it would be interesting. If nothing else, it would answer my friends' number one question :"What in the hell????"