Fa-Fa's Kids

So I fought a losing battle with being asked to spend some time with the chiilun' I work with. I threw caution to the wind and went and it was actually a lot of fun. Again, an evening full of laughter. But first, a little background:

On the one night when 22 of the chillun were in my room, most until 4:30 a.m., one of the students nicknamed the group Fa-Fa's (all consonants followed by "a" should be pronounced "ay") kids because I felt that they were like my kids (mostly because I had 9 people laying on me one of which was drooling and another making kissy faces when he feel asleep). Anyway, I was with some of the family tonight including Te-Te the Brown, Fe-Fe Jr., aka the Elf, Ma-Ma the Hobbit, and Na-Na the Jew. Yeah, I know....bite me.

I felt EXTREMELY weird about going over and hanging out with people much younger than I am, especially since it had been a year since I had done that, but it was actually a lot of fun just sitting back, watching a movie, and cracking on people...well, just one person in particular, La-La the Ambiguous Blonde. I managed to bring my bandana thwacking skills back into use and gave La-La a welt, and getting Fa-Fa, Jr. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT in the crack.

Mind you, this of course makes it ALL so much harder to leave and that was my largest hindrance in wanting to go. In keeping with yesterday's post, breaking connections are much easier when they are surface and become very complicated when I let them move beyond any point of comfort. Hell, I am human and I didn't expect it not to happen. I only do have myself to blame. I know that sounds like regret and maybe a small part of me does feel like that. I have no clue what the other part feels like. I am not against making friends. Hell, Sara razzes me for having 106 people on my buddy list. I take pride in having a large circle of friends....HOWEVER....not all my friends are close friends. I think there are maybe two or three people who know everything there is to know about me, and while being silent may seem duplicitous in my friendships, I prefer to think of it as concealing all the dark corners of my life that should not have to have any bearing on my friendships except for those nosey little fuckers who make it their business to find out. The way I think about it, the more people know, they closer they are, and the closer they are, the harder it is when the friendship ends or dissapates. And that is not pessimism; that is realism. Makes me sound misanthropic and lonely but it is not like I give all my friendships lip service for the purpose of making other people happy. I wouldn;t waste my time and you really can;t pick your friends sometimes. As my best-friend's mom once said: People are thrown in your life somtimes for no reason and you may never figure it out. But you will find them when you least expect it and smile when you realize why.

Where the hell am I going with all of this? I feel like a freakin rat in a maze. Left. Right. Right. Left. Must find the cheese. Must find the cheese. DAMN ALL KEEBLER ELVES. don;t get too happy, you;re not getting to me as much as you think you are :)

On another, yet dramatic, note. I finally did my little resignation thing today. Altho it may sound odd to resign from a volunteer position, but it feels good having the freedom of knowing that I am not shackled to anything. Of course, getting closer to the kids does not make it easier and making a transtition from being selfless to selfish is not easy, but in this case after being harassed and treated like shit I think I can give it a try. Besides, this is the impetus I need to get my shit in order, get my ass in gear, and MOVE AWAY!!!!!!

My God, I feel like I am freewriting. I need to stop and freakin publish this thing.