Fucking AAAAAAAAA

Ok, so let me set the scene. I forget that I have the West Coast Theatre Alliance Auditions tomorrow (just like last year) so I have been busy all day printing out headshots and resumes, cutting them down, stapling them, memorizing a monologue, cutting down my song and memorizing it AND grading papers. So needless to say that this has been a stressful day...not that I am looking for sympathy.

Of course, this was all exacerbated (and I think I spelled it wrong) by someone fucking up my mood. I am the kind of person that HATES being manipulated and used and it;s even worse when I catch on to it. It;s rare nowadays that people can get away with it without my knowing, and if they do, I usually figure it out quickly. In addition to finding that precious little gem, I was JUST getting over being emotionally concerned with a friendship and the person. I was quite proud of myself for being able to disconnect so easily and realizing my life was MUCH happier without the stress and turmoil of it. But no.....tonight I flew right back into the motherfucking thing. I let myself get lulled into a false sense of belief again. Granted, I am to blame because I let my damned guard down again. I am so sick of this shit.

I had a LONG conversation with Jacob about the situation and the person and he was just as confused as I was about what to do. His best advice was to either phase myself out of it or phase the other person out. This is such a tough situation because everything keeps flip flopping between good and bad and while part of me wants to work at it, the other part is just tired of the whole fucking thing. I cannot STAND being used by people especially when it is in times of mere convenience. That is fucking ridiculous and belittles any sense of friendship and negates any positive comments made about it. I am so mad and stressed that I can;t even formulate a proper thought about it. Like I need this bullshit the night before an audition. Damn, damn DAMN!!!! I was fine when I didn;t care and was indifferent to how it turned out, and the fact that I am getting this upset belies that I may not truly be over it. That friggin optimistic speck in me keeps tugging away.

On a more positive note, I realized tonight, moreso than any that Jacob is truly such a close and good friend of mine. No one knows so much about me and yet knows nothing about me but knows me perfectly. Definition = Jacob knows exactly what kind of person I am, what I like, dislike, and what my personality is. However, he knows nothing of my past and what I have gone through. We have only been in one fight and it was dumb and over very quickly. I have NEVER had to worry about where I stand with him and where he stands with me. He is the only one I allow to insult me at a whim and mock my problems because I know he does it from a place of love. Ironically, he is also the only friend with whom I have no personal contact. It skeeves us out to hug each other and we simply can;t be emotionally mushy over the other, even though we deeply do care about each other. It;s just been one of those things. But I tell you what, he has been my strongest and longest male friendship and I really do treasure it. There is not a night when we are not on the phone for hours sometimes just laughing our asses off and talking about anything. It;s just funny when someone completes your sentences. We come from such different places but have such common places of interest. He even made me an honorary Mormon. Now THAT is the kind of friendship that not only means a lot to me, but works so well. I have never had this kind of stress with him. Granted, those friendships are rare and few and far in between. And part of the reason why I went to him is because we both went through the same thing with a mutual friend, so we have both been there.

It still surprises me that friendships can cause as much hassle, stress, and turmoil as relationships. I find that the older I get the less inclined i am to deal with juvenile bullshit. And it;s not that I don;t care about the person or the connection, but I am not going to go through high school antics and bullshit at 25. There is simply no need for it. If I feel like I have to be in constant struggle and turmoil over the honesty and reality of a friendship then I'll just disconnect. There should NOT have to be THAT much of a struggle. I know that none of this is probably making any fucking sense at all. And I am really not feeling better about it either. I need to go back to that spot of not caring and feeling disconnected. But it;s not like I have a choice, the person made it very clear tonight, whether in sarcasm or not, about the permanence and future state of the friendship and while I first laughed at it, I soon realized that the comment really hurt my feelings. Not that I would ever say anything about it. I always keep shit bottled up and add everyone else;s problems to my stack. I was born to swallow the bitterness of others only to taste my own.