Ahhhhh....

Well, this has proven to be quite a good week after all. Knock on wood. Things have been smooth and pretty well. Went to an audition for Jesus Christ Superstar tonight. Got asked to do PR for a local professional theatre. Have an audition for Cabaret in two weeks. Setting up an audition for Titus Andronicus. And finally just letting go and going on the tinking ride...and you know what...it feels oddly right and good. Searching for an answer is maddening, but it is also fulfilling not to know. Anyway, I am getting the itch to redesign this site. I need a change. Maybe shag and velour?

Jackie Chan Happy Meal Toys

Wow, ok, so the last two days were very interesting to say the least.

My Saturday night was filled with adventursome dining at a Chinese buffet, which should be condemned and the building razed. Then, I ventured to play Laser Tag which I have not done in a VERY long time. Needless to say, I sucked at it because I kept inadverntently shooting my own damn pack. This is just another shining exmaple of why I would be worthless in the army. I got so frustrated that I just shot my own pack to get myself own so I could go play on the swing. Yeah, I know. After all that fun, I proceeded to what has to be the largest most interestingly decorated (read: ceramic, cow, stuffed fighting fowl, full armor suit, animal prints, and more more more) "mansion" I have ever been inside. If that is what it is like to live in the lap of luxury then sign me up. And that is not about the materialism, but the comfort of it all. I was also subjected to the further tinking of the Elf; however, I was happily relieved of it for a while while the elf pursued other baking goods: nutty tarts (j/k FFJ). The evening ended with a Mission Impossible-esque search party for a missing friend which lasted until 2 in the morning when we finally found him and I attempted to get his attention by throwing mulch chips at the window because there were no rocks around. Yeah, that was fun. Espionage...not my field either. However, it was worth it to also have me hang my head out the window screaming, "Lance! Treat, treat Lance!" and having the getaway car speeding at a whopping 45.

And then there was yesterday. I was happily allowed to partake in a test-making party for a thespian induction ceremony, which turned into a "let's go get ice cream and then visit a run-down house off of railroad tracks so we can pilfer odd items from the shed." Yeah, we're talking a mix of Goonies and Stand By Me. Ah...my Fe-Fe kids done do me proud . The most interesting part of the day was researching my journals and finding INTERESTING entries which spoke of recent events (I swear I am like Nostradamus sometimes). In my further denial of what is obviously some kind of truth and reality, the little Elf decided on the the question with a friggin' happy meal toy from McDonald's. An 8-ball-esque Jackie Chan in a kicking position with a slotted stand that reveals answers when rotated. EVERY SINGLE one of the answers were in the "right" direction and not the ones I "wanted" them to be. I realize I am being ambiguous, but it keeps me safe. Besides, those parties whom this involves know what I am talking about and yet again will find great satisfaction in my relenting to the tinking away of both the chisel and fate/life/coincidence/whatever. So I concede....let the friendship begin/continue/grow and let it go where it is supposed to. Palm lines, veined letters, line letters, Jackie Chan, grandmothers, journals, and on and on and on. I will revel in the joy that it brings and in the amazement I constantly find in the little similarities in life that I thought were relegated to myself. So put in the tray of cookies and bake away!

Good Night, Good Morning

Had an amazing night last night full of several revelations (will blog about it later), my day is going to be better. It started out great. Got lots of sleep, watched recaps of Eco-Challenge, and now I am enjoying a Changing Rooms marathon. Yes, I am in heaven. I hope this continues for the rest of the week.

BBCAmerica

Thank God for digital cable because it allows me to indulge in some kind of Brit TV which I absolutely love. I am especially obsessed with Changing Rooms. It;s on three times a day (with one show repeated twice) and I will watch all three, even the repeated episode because the show just fascinates me. I am especially pleased when House Invaders comes before it. Then my day is complete. My God....I am pathetic, eh?

What Dreams May Come

Ok, so first of all, I noticed (after relaoding my page several times) that not all the quotes I have in the quote script get loaded (190 in total), but I think I fixed the little problem so you all can enjoy a plethora of musings (read sacrastic banter).

Ok, so I had the most amazing dream last night, which depressed me when I woke up and realized where I was. So I am at a dance competition (which is odd in itself) and my turn comes up. The odd thing is that I am in one of those hotel conference rooms used during conferences. Even odder is that I am dancing on a tilting platform. But the weirdest, but best part, is that Gwen Verdon is one of the judges. I thought I was going to die. I do this jazz, tap routine with a cane and it just is amazing if I do say so myself. I am doing things I never thought I could: machine gun riffs, flipping off of walls, split switch leaps. I get done and the entire room erupts in applause and I jump off the platform out of breath and Gwen Verdon gets up, with another judge I could not recognize, and they escort me to the back of the room where they close a curtain around us (like in hospitals--those privacy curtains). They start talking to me but I am so out of breath and focused on breathing that I can;t understand what they are saying. The room clears and more people come in and I am asked if I am ready to do my performance again, which leaves me confused, I thought it was a competition. I say, "I don;t think I can do it that good again." And I finally hear Verdon say, "Yes you can. And you;re going to be great. You always will be." I look at her, she smiles, and I wake up. I just had this amazing feeling of euphoria, and then I realized where I was.

If I was ever more determined to leave Florida, it is now. All I need is that flippin green card in my hand for my freedom. Even with all the recent problems in NY, I still want to go there. I have been obsessed with living there ever since my first family vacation there as a child. I remember everything so vividly and I want to be engulfed by that city.

Redneck Neighbor. This is just too damn funny.

Moving Right Along

It's amazing how long it is taking to get this journal decorated. I am spending more time on this than anything else. Then again, I am probably making up for lost creative energy when I stopped painting and drawing 5 years ago. I am having a ball.

So I said goodbye to one of my comp classes today. It was somewhat bittersweet because they are without a doubt the best class I have ever taught in my three years at USF. They were 24 of the best students I could ever ask for. Inquisitve. Curious. Unafraid. Vocal. Talented. I don't think I will ever have a class like that again. They are a rarity. I will truly miss some of those crazy kids. But I am glad to know they are all progressing in their lives and college careers. It makes me feel good to knwo that there are people like this going out into the real world. It gives me hope that this society will turn around.

Of course, back at my home front I was in a battle with the pressure washers. I was awakened by the noise and ran to get my plants out of the way. 15 minutes later, he shows up and goes to town on the breezeway and walls. Of course, I am spying because I think it is cool. I am standing behind the door and neglect to notice that he begins cleaning the door. You would think the door would be airtight, but nooooooooooooo. So there I was.....sprayed through the crack with steamy grimy water, which got over the carpet and stoop floor. I proceeded to get some paper towels to mop up the puddle and JUST as I am finishing, here he comes again. By now, my glasses are speckled and my white shirt is turning gray. I get some more paper towels, get it dry and AS I am throwing the wads away....there he is again. Now, I know I am Piscean and I love water, but this is just a little ridiculous. And that joke fell completely flat on its face.

I have absolutely nothing to say today. I am floating in a sea of thoughts with no lighthouse around and I have nothing to say. If I don;t start cracking jokes pretty soon, Sara is going to Baker Act my ass.

How Stupid

How stupid can I keep being? How utterly and desparately stupid? Will I ever learn my lesson? No more. Never again. No more Jericho.

Things Remembered

Well, after falling asleep at 3:30 and waking up at 8 (both a.m.) I was looking forward to coming home form school and taking a nap. But no. I started writing in the new journal while one of my classes wrote an in-class essay. It was amazing how much just came pouring out. I had to eventually stop because everyone was done and they were just starting at me. I came home and started looking for things to decorate the journal with (hey, it;s cathartic), so I went through all my memory storage boxes and was consumed for four hours looking at everything I have collected (I am a BAD pack rat) and reading all the notes I ever got in high school (except for a small selection which I believe is stored SOMEWHERE, altho I have no clue). What a fricking acid trip down memory lane. I had forgotten a lot of my high school days. I laughed at things I could remember and strained to remind myself of the situations the notes were about. I found notes from my ex-girlfriend, my ex-best friend, my first year in America, and so much more. I expected the notes to throw me back into a state of hating my life, but I feel so relieved after reading those notes, but saddened because miss those people. As turbulent as those times were I had the best friends in the world and I loved them dearly. I still do. I wish I could go back and relive all those times. I hope I run into those people one day and altho I know things will not be the same, I just want one more chance to smile, say hi, and give them a big hug.

What A Fucked Up Day . . .

I have felt like a bi-polar schizophrenic all day long. I have been in a state of binary oppositions since I woke up: sleep vs. wake up, eat vs. don't eat, work vs, watch tv, go see a movie vs. veg at home, write vs. read. It;s one of those days where I hate my life and feel totally unfulfilled about everything. Sometimes I do wonder if I need to be medicated. I am just having a hella bad time right now and am finding it very difficult to get out of my funk. But as always, a surface smile and joke to make someone else laugh is the reflex.

I finally left the house to hang out with Sara for a bit. Still felt like crap despite the efforts made to keep me involved. I did, however, buy a new journal. My old one is not even half filled, but it has been about two years since I wrote an entry and I need to start anew. It may sound weird, and Sara agreed, that sometimes a journal has so much negative energy and thoughts that you can;t go back to it and you have to start fresh, and I truly believe that. I find it hard enough to read the old journals let alone keep writing in them. So I got a plain black ringed journal with white pages...no line...no confinement....no rules. Just me and my thoughts. This could either be extremely cathartic for me, or extremely painful....which I guess would fulfill the first.

I need to leave. I need to get out and get away and just abandon all sense of the now. I envision myself just quietly leaving in the middle of the night and moving away...and not in some purile and juvenile attempt to illicit worry and concern from friends and family, but just to be able to move on with no hassle and no ties to bind me. See....this is what happens when I don;t have anything to keep my mind focused.

Aw, shit....I have research papers to grade. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Duh!

You think someone could have told me that my archive links were all screwed up. Come on now yo. Lend a camel a helping hand!

The 16-Year Break

I don;t know how i could have possibly forgotten to mention this last night since it was extremely devastaing to me. I wear a purple bracelet (one of those 80s ones) on my left wrist that I have had on since I was in 4th grade (16 years). My childhood best friend and I traded them and promised we would never take them off, and until yesterday that was true for me. After my "I Can;t Be Here Next Year" speech I went to sit down in the auditorium to look at some pictures from the festival. I got up when I was done and look at my hand and it was gone. My heart dropped and I thought I was going to have a panic attack until I found it on the ground. It had totally split in half. Mind you, I have had ot repair it two other times with a threaed and needle, but both times it had stayed on my wrist. This was the first time it had ever been off. I freaked out and was on the verge of a breakdown. I know it sounds really silly to be obssessing over something like that, but it is what it represents and what it means to me. I am very into symbols and signs, so believe me I had a field day analyzing that one. I actually said "oh well" and tucked it away so I could save it somewhere, but I could not bear not having it on, so I pulled out the needle and thread and repaired it again. Again, I know it sounds silly but that bracelet represents so much to me about the first half of my life and the people I knew and the person I was, and altho I have a second one on my hand that means just as much, I couldn;t let the other one go.

Fa-Fa's Kids

So I fought a losing battle with being asked to spend some time with the chiilun' I work with. I threw caution to the wind and went and it was actually a lot of fun. Again, an evening full of laughter. But first, a little background:

On the one night when 22 of the chillun were in my room, most until 4:30 a.m., one of the students nicknamed the group Fa-Fa's (all consonants followed by "a" should be pronounced "ay") kids because I felt that they were like my kids (mostly because I had 9 people laying on me one of which was drooling and another making kissy faces when he feel asleep). Anyway, I was with some of the family tonight including Te-Te the Brown, Fe-Fe Jr., aka the Elf, Ma-Ma the Hobbit, and Na-Na the Jew. Yeah, I know....bite me.

I felt EXTREMELY weird about going over and hanging out with people much younger than I am, especially since it had been a year since I had done that, but it was actually a lot of fun just sitting back, watching a movie, and cracking on people...well, just one person in particular, La-La the Ambiguous Blonde. I managed to bring my bandana thwacking skills back into use and gave La-La a welt, and getting Fa-Fa, Jr. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT in the crack.

Mind you, this of course makes it ALL so much harder to leave and that was my largest hindrance in wanting to go. In keeping with yesterday's post, breaking connections are much easier when they are surface and become very complicated when I let them move beyond any point of comfort. Hell, I am human and I didn't expect it not to happen. I only do have myself to blame. I know that sounds like regret and maybe a small part of me does feel like that. I have no clue what the other part feels like. I am not against making friends. Hell, Sara razzes me for having 106 people on my buddy list. I take pride in having a large circle of friends....HOWEVER....not all my friends are close friends. I think there are maybe two or three people who know everything there is to know about me, and while being silent may seem duplicitous in my friendships, I prefer to think of it as concealing all the dark corners of my life that should not have to have any bearing on my friendships except for those nosey little fuckers who make it their business to find out. The way I think about it, the more people know, they closer they are, and the closer they are, the harder it is when the friendship ends or dissapates. And that is not pessimism; that is realism. Makes me sound misanthropic and lonely but it is not like I give all my friendships lip service for the purpose of making other people happy. I wouldn;t waste my time and you really can;t pick your friends sometimes. As my best-friend's mom once said: People are thrown in your life somtimes for no reason and you may never figure it out. But you will find them when you least expect it and smile when you realize why.

Where the hell am I going with all of this? I feel like a freakin rat in a maze. Left. Right. Right. Left. Must find the cheese. Must find the cheese. DAMN ALL KEEBLER ELVES. don;t get too happy, you;re not getting to me as much as you think you are :)

On another, yet dramatic, note. I finally did my little resignation thing today. Altho it may sound odd to resign from a volunteer position, but it feels good having the freedom of knowing that I am not shackled to anything. Of course, getting closer to the kids does not make it easier and making a transtition from being selfless to selfish is not easy, but in this case after being harassed and treated like shit I think I can give it a try. Besides, this is the impetus I need to get my shit in order, get my ass in gear, and MOVE AWAY!!!!!!

My God, I feel like I am freewriting. I need to stop and freakin publish this thing.

damn it all

So I was fine until a little Keebler Elf decided to start tinking away at my wall. I managed to find my old journals and leafed through some of them. It has not gotten any easier to read about the stuff I wrote in them. Everything from my escape, my life, the ups and downs. It truly is a rough experience for me to have to relive them, but if I am going to write that one-man show Jorge keeps forcing me to do then I guess I have to come to grips with my life and not escape from it. I would say denial, but I hate that word. And I hate that I am letting someone in again. I prefer keeping people at distances. I know how to maintain great friendships without ever getting too close, and while that may not neccesarily be healthy, it saves a lot of grief in the end. I worked hard at building my wall and learned my lesson about letting people in, but damn it all if it is not happening. Not that I don;t know how to remedy it, but that would be worse than allowing the natural course of what some little evil gnomes are attempting to do. And I say all this knowing the person will read it and have some glee.

But in seriousness, maybe this is a sign that I need to get cracking on this play. Why the hell not? Sara keeps telling me to do stand-up, Jorge wants the one man show, and I certainly know the benefits that can be attained from writing and performing something like that. As much as I would hate to relive any part of my past in print or in performance I think it would be interesting. If nothing else, it would answer my friends' number one question :"What in the hell????"

An Evening With Mah Boo

No, not boo in "that "sense (and I refer to Senior boo, not Junior boo). So I FINALLY get to hang out with CJ after about three months of not seeing him. Everytime we hang out it is an experience filled with raucous laughter. He is truly one of the good people and one of the greatest people I have ever come across in my life. But EVERYTIME we go out people think we are an item....and that is just funny in itself. The last time we hung out we went to Applebees and at one point one of us ordered dessert and the waitress bought it out with two spoons. We just looked at each other and laughed.

So tonight he comes over and he decides we are going to Crazy Buffet, an immensely HUGE Chinese/Japanese buffet place, and very chi-chi. Of course, he lies to me that he has been there before which prompts me to make his ass pay for dinner in return. So I punch him for the lie and the two hosts say "Now now boys, no playing rough or we'll have to punish you." I look around and I swear to God my gaydar went off the hook.

This place is so confusing that it actually requires a touring lecture to understand the process. CJ and I retained none of this inormation. We sit, and Brad our waiter coes over. This is obviosuly his first time because he is so nervous and skittish. It takes him back any time one of us makes a request and he always cricles our table like a vulture.

Shift scene to trip #3 to food and I notice that ALL the waiters are male, only ONE Asian, and they are ALL gay. Oh it gets better. I look around our room and I notice that it is nothing buy guys...and yes...they are gay. I lean over to CJ and tell him this and he looks around and we just bust out laughing. I am the ONLY make friend he hangs out with when this happens and I swear I do nothing to come off as gay. We were being stared down and we just kept laughing our asses off all evening. Thank God he is such a good sport about all this and knows better...ironically.....it REALLY bothers me. And I don;t know why.

But the restaurant did have good food, even if it was a little pricy. I will surely miss my boo when he leaves for England. It just makes me realize that it is time for me to move on. I really need out of here because I am simply not happy anymore.

Find out which Moulin Rouge song you are.

A Long Day's Journey Into.....Nothing

Well, I finally finished the friends' links to he left so enjoy. No doubt I shall be bitched out by those not placed there, but never fear. They are probably on my main site.

I have done nothing today at all. I am trying to find work for the summer so I can survive since I have no faith in the English Department granting me an extension since I don;t play the politics and kiss ass. Well, if I don;t get it...fuck 'em, and if I do.....fuck 'em. They owe me this, and I do deserve it.

Give me Your Poor, Your Tired, Your Huddled Latinos Watching the Cartoon Network

So, I went in today to get my work authorization stuff done. Silly me thought it would be a one on one thing. Oh no...it was worse.

First I get there, and the security officer is only letting one or two people in at a time, so I have to wait in line outside....in the heat.

I get in and sit in the waiting area, and finally this old man gives us directions, while makiing sure to use big arm movements as if those who can;t speak English can understand THAT, and then we are corralled into another waiting area.

At one point, I hear another security gurad ask the old man if the "pen was cleared out." Yeah. So then I wam waiting, and waiting, and there are two TV's on with the cartoon network on showing Tom and Jerry cartoons. I found this highly amusing and insulting. I guess the assumption is that none of us can speak English but we obviously enjoy cartoons and that make noise...ooooooooo. Or maybe the plethora of latinos ( and we are talking 47 out of 50 of us) was a signal of illiteracy somehow? If only the guard could understand what they were saying about HIM. The "pen" guard just makes random comments to the crowd followed by snide remarks about how none us probably speak English. Ironically, he says all this while standing in front of a sign that read "if you are not treated with respect and courtesy, please tell us."

An hour later I walk out with my work authorization card that expires in one year. So on the one hand I am excited because now I have a little more freedom, but on the other, it is getting down to the gind and this waiting gam to get "the" card is a pain in my ass. Not only does one have to essentially buy their freedom, but we have to wait for it with no assurances that it will happen. There is something inherently depressing and unAmerican about the whole process.

I'm So Tiuhred

Well I have returned from my 4-day sojourn to the Florida State Thespian Conference. I am so tired right now that my eyes are puffy and burning from lack of sleep. I went to bed at 5:30 a.m. and woke up at 8 and got home. I have also never had such an emotionally charged conference that travelled from rage to depression to extremely high levels of humor. I have never laughed so hard and for so long in my entire life as I did last night/early morning. It was definitely a lot of fun despite all the little things that wanted to make me pack my bags and leave. I realized I had a larger obligation there. Besides, the wall chipper keeps going at me so badly that I am starting to get affected.

I am going to have to get the friend's section up and going soon.

In amazing news, Target now has SUPER Target stores like the Super Wal-Marts. Can you say excitement? I am plotzing at the idea of a Super Target, but there are none in my general area. DAMN!!!!!!

I am going to look forward to just realxing and vegging tonight while watching John Leguizamo's Sexaholic, since my slut of a VCR went off early and recorded Sister Act 2 instead. Bastard.

BTW, anyone else notice that the clique trend has died. I tried to update all my clique memberships and they are ALL gone or shut down. Damn! And I kinda liked it.

So everything went through ok and here I am!!!! My own personal space of cyberland.

I leave tomorrow for the annual State Thespian Conference. This week will either be a lot of fun, or a pain in my ass.

The BIG Cyber Move

So I finally bit the bullet and bought my own little piece of land in cyberspace. I am sick of geocities, the pop-up ads, and the new bullshit about charging for FTP service. Money hungry bastards. So, I found a really cheap hostin company and HERE I AM!!!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

They're Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

No, it;s not Rotunda and the Bitch Boy. It's a plague much darker and evil. The FROGS. I should have known that moving to an apt directly over the lake woudl bring problems from the critters. Crickets, I can stand. Ducks, are fine. But those DAMN frogs. They are so FREAKIN loud. I have been up until 4:30 a.m. for the last four days. Granted, some of that is because I can;t seem to fall asleep, but those damned amphibians are not helping the cause at all. ARGH!!!!

On a lighter note, I am looking forward to spending another lovely week at the Florida State Thespian Conference. I am judging and presenting wokrshops again this year and chaperoning the drama kids I work with. It should all prove to be a VERY interesting weekend. And by intersting I mean: hyperemotional, juvenile, exhausting, interesting, banal, hackneyed, stressful, tiring......

Dam Right!

"Style is something invented by class conscious countries to make other countries feel inferior."

God knows I am not a slave to fashion. I stil wear plaid shirts that I bought from a thrift store for 50 cents in 1993.