Sigh...

There is something to be said for the threpeutic nature of a puppy and a chew toy. I drove over to Sara's which gave me chance to see Harmonie again. It has been a while since I have seen her and she had her new Lab mix puppy with her, Audrey. Audrey is simply adorable and exremely friendly and playful. It was a definite mood lifter for me. That's all. I found that pertinent to have to blog about.

I

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.21

1. What happened this weekend that made you smile?

Oh do I REALLY need to answer this? Sigh..I know this will be held over my
head. Well 2 things made me smile. The first is being asked to choreograph an
original production that is touring and playing some bigh ouses and pays VERY
well. Good exposure. The second is spending an extended amount of time with
a certain someone and realizing how lucky I am to have a friend like that.

2. Did you make someone smile today? If not, will you try?

Not yet. I just woke up 15 minutes ago. But I am planning on making someone
smile today, so I definitely WILL be trying.

3. Have you any clothes or accessories you love to wear but just totally
embaras the person you are being seen with?

Yes. My neon green coordinating outfit and my bondage pants.

4. What was the catch phrase you said the most in High School?

Hmm....there were so many. It would have to be: Whatever!

5. Who are you remembering this Memorial Day? (or for those not celebrating
it, tell me about someone worth remembering)

My childhood best friend. I miss her a lot and have only seen her once since
I left during the Gulf War. I wish I could see her again and hang out with her.
I touwld be a trip to see how much we have both grown.

6. Do you think you are a good friend?

Well, I always hope I am. I do my best and do all the things that I know I
would want a good friend doing to/for me. I have ben told that I am, and although
I tend ot be skeptical about it, I know that I am extremely selfless and generous
when it comes to my friends, whether materialistically or emotionally.

7. (continued from MM 2.20) That outing tonight was a blast ... but that
was last call. I totally overdid it and shouldn't drive, anything we can do
while I try to "dry out?"

Well, I must REALLY like you if I am hanging around a drunk person. So I would
just "deal" with you until you sobered up. Maybe walk around, or set
you to sleep. Or, even better, take your ass home and stay there until you sobered
up (you know, the whole crash on the couch thing).

BONUS: Do ya love me, now that I can dance?

I loved ya before you could dance.

Hm

Quite inexplicably I got hit with this nasty wave of "down-ness" and I have no idea why (hence the inexplicability). I hate when this happens.

Stupid Things Done and Seen

You know, there is a reason I hate alcohol and have a VERY low tolerance for people who drink and for being around people or situations that involve drinking. No need to bore you with the whys, but needless to say I do not partake in the activity. However, I have been known to sip drinks (and no, that is not hypocritical) and everytime I do it just reaffirms why I hate alcohol (among the many other reasons). SOmething about the taste of it sends me into nasty shocks; my friends love to torture meby offering sips JUST so they can see the faces I make. In any case, about a month ago I was at Sara's house and she had me try this hot chocolate mixture with Kahlua and Irish Cream...not a problem....had no reaction and could barely taste it. Move to today. Sara is in Orlando with her friend Sue at an 80s rock concert starring Poison and I ask if I can hang at her house and play her Xbox. She says ok and I enjoy a leisurely day there. Why, oh why, I got the bug to make that same hot chocolate drink I will never understand. You see, I may know about the different kinds of alcohol (to a degree), but I know SHIT about measuring. I think I put way too much of something in there because by the time I was done drinking it I was having a head rush and my stomach was in pains. Consider it a psycho-physiological response and not an allergy. I conditioned myself to hate it mentally so much so that my body got duped. How can you be so sure you ask? Well allow me ot share an embarassing story:

Picture it: Valentine's Day. 1998

Two of my girl-friends surprise me by showing up at my apartment and drag me to dinner at Carraba's (this after they both decide to play a game of flash-the-camel). So I give in and go and we have a really good time. We get back ot my place late and they have a bottle of champagne. Naturally, I turn it down, but after much bitching, whining, and complaining I offer to have a SIP just to appease them. And when I mean sip, I mean less than a millimeter. Everythig is fine. A couple more hours of laughing and such and they go home. I go to sleep excited because they are showing a remastered Gone With The Wind on TV the next day and it has been a long time since I have seen it. Oh, but you see..I would never get to see the damn thing. I wake up the next morning feeling like death and slipping in and out of consciousness the ENTIRE day. I can;t get up and walk around, I can;t even stand to pee because I am so dizzy. No barfing, no cold symptoms, no sweating. Just the feeling of death. I finally blackout and wake up the next morning just fine. Sure, it could have been the food or something else. But I don;t think so.

The lesson: NO MORE SIPPING OR MAKING DRINKS!!!!

Now for two stupid things I saw on my way home:

1.A billboard for clam juice with a lady holding a bottle looking WAY too happy about a bottle of clam juice.

2.A couple rolling a grocery cart full of food into their house and looking quite suspicious about it.

I need to get a digital camera and start taking pictures of this stuff.

What The...?

So first off....my finger.....yeah, still tingling. It has reduced a lot but I can still feel it underneath my skin. It is annoying as shit.

I had a WEIRD dream this morning. I Was hanging out with my friends in some hotel lobby and we had just auditioned for a show (don;t ask). We all plan to go out but i have to go to the bathroom. So i head to one and it's full, so I leave and come back later and just go in. So there are two sets of stalls and two sets of urinals. The first set of stalls are filled, there are people throwing up in the second one. The first set of urinals is filled, the second is empty. I HATE using urinals, but I give up andhead into that section. However, I suffer from pee fright. It;s a nightmare for me to use public bathrooms. I can seek through the cracks in this section and I can see the bottoms of the bathroom stalls and there is like more than one person in one of the stalls and I am thnking: Oh my! And with all these people in here. Out of the corner of my eye I notice a woman walking towards me and I am like: Uh....what the?. Then she just stops and stand next to me and at this point I realize I am being cruised....AND I can;t pee. So I leave to try and find and empty stall and now there are more than one person in EACH stall. The friggin bathroom turns into a bacchinal and people are cruising, sexing, and barfing left and right. I just stand in the middle of the room and scream: Can SOMEONE get out so I can pee! But no response. So I leave and now I am in a friggin airport. I look left and right and I see no bathrooms, I ask a clerk and he says there is one in front of me. About 30 feet away. But I am so exhausted that I don;t even bother. And then I woke up.

I have no FRIGGIN' clue what any of that even means

Them

So I have been having some pest problems recently. Namely: a trai of ants in my pantry that seem ot have gotten through the ceiling. I thought I had my bases covered when I raided the hole and then caulked it, but lo and behold! They are back tonight and from another hole. Resourceful little fuckers. So I raided and caulked the new hole. I don;t mind insects. With the exception of roaches I have a live and let live policy with them being in my house (something my cats DO NOT believe in); however, ants in my food are a nuisance.

And oh yeah....my finger? Still tingling.

Next Stop, Broadway?

Well, what a day THIS has been. If I had some adult depends I would have worn them this morning. I haven't had a day this good in a while. Good in the sense of getting good news. I was recently tapped to choreograph a new musical. I figured it was a local thing wirtten by theatre buffs. Oh no. What I did not realize was what fell in my lap is a chance of a lifetime.

I was recently tapped to choreograph an original musical with 16 numbers that all require dancing. The show will be performed in the local big houses with plans to tour afterwards. Now, as if THAT wasn't good enough, the renumeration is amazing! I could pay off all my bills and get out of here sooner than I thought. Most importantly though is the experience and the opportunity to do something like this. So needless to say I am excited. However, I feel somewhat odd about the whole thing since my goal was to always perform ON the stage not work behind it. While I love choreographing, I never though my "career" in it would progress to this point. Again, I am not begrudging it....just very surprised.

On and odd physiological note: I live on the 3rd floor and when I go to the grocery store I like to make only one trip from the car to my apartment. Well, I was being so bold as to carryso many bags today that I cut off circulation to some of my right hand fingers. One of them still has not recovered. It feels like pins and has that "sleping limb" feeling to it. I hope I didn;t do some kind of weird ass damage to it.

I have absolutely no plans for this weekend. I am just having too much fun getting to know The Elf better and spending time with him. It;s nice to be able to both bullshit, do nothing, and have deep conversations about things. It;s a nice shift of change from the normal one-way friendships. This, of course, leads me to segue into my best friend. Ever since I went to see him I have just been thinking about all the things we did and shared when we were in high school and then reviewing in light of his confession that he lied about everything he ever told me. He was such a good mindfucker than any best friend I had after him never lasted too long. I realized soon enough that you really have no such thing as a best friend. It;s like the true love thing. Besides, it is an exercise in futility at my age to try and find a best friend. I love my close friends, and I would not trade my closer friends. I enjoy my acquaintances as much as my friends, and while it may sound like I never form a deep connection with my friends, that is not true. I just think labelling someone in some assinine search for something is just that...assinine. A friend is a friend and to measure one to another by degrees of "bestness" is just odd. There are those who know me quite well and those who know the surface me. I am fine with that. I am too private a person to go sharing myself with everyone I meet, so it makes those relationships in which I do more special.

Not sure if any of that makes sense. I used to wonder if I would have "friends for life." What is the point of wondering that? Some people you just know will be around for a long time, and even if there is a "separation" nothing diminishes that relationship. It;s like my friend Laurie. We truly love each other and used to be around each other all the time. Since she moved and got married we hardly talk to each other or see each other, but when we do, it is like nothing has changed. I feel the same way about Sara. I know we'll probably separate agfter we graduate, but I doubt that we will ever stop being friends. Life would be too boring without her around. And that's how I feel about the Elf as well. It;s just one of those friendships that you can never fully explain, but that you know is a special friendship, and one that will last for a long time.

Not sure where this air of sentimentality came from, but enjoy it while it lasts.

Star Wars: Attack of the Drones

Ok, so the movie wasn;t that bad. I actually enjoyed it for the most part. It is a visually stunning movie and I was completely captivated by anything visual in it. I also thoroughly enjoyed Yoda kicking some ass. However, some of the acting left something to be desired. Hayden Christenson served nothing more than as eye candy for the women I am sure. He really is vacuous when it comes ot acting. He had some fine moments, but no believability. Natalie Portman who I absolutely love was great, but I kept feeling like the director made some bad choices for her. I know she is a phenomenal actress but sometimes they had her so deadpan and serious that it gave those emotionally charged moments less flash. I loved everyone else. It had humor, pathos, tragedy. So I did enjoy it, but nothing can beat the first three (well, 3-6) that came out. They are definitely classics.

	I can bend. I can stretch. I can mold my finger to match a keyhole. I am resourceful and resilient. I take nothing seriously, as life's troubles just seem to "bounce off" me. I am far from softspoken. I'm also known to crack a joke or two... or twenty. Wouldn't you? After all, I am rubber, you are glue... What's your superpower?

Day 'O Fun

I cannot believe someone actually posted a comment on one of the entries. That is SO friggin cool. Now where the hell are the rest of you? I checked the stats on my site and I am getting assloads of hits. So either people think this is some kind of bestiality website or they think I am a nutjob and have no desire to comment about my entries in fear of my hunting them down. I would NEVER do that :) But MUCH thanks to MEG for being one of the first, other than the Elf.

Speaking of which, I have spent much of the day with him. We watched The Crow (damn good movie) and then spent much of the evening talking and analyzing things. It is quite a tiring thing for me so I cannot imagine what itmust be like for the other person to whom the issues belong. I always wonder if I do any good, and sometimes I think I do. I have learned that it is much easier to pose questions than to offer advice or opinions. I find that the latter can be very dangerous whereas the first allows for a better conversation and allows the other person to come to a solution or answer. However, it is difficult as SHIT to keep your mouth shut especially when you know the answer and have the solution that you are sure will help. But everything in it's own time I guess. I had to be burned in order to learn despite what anyone told me, so how can I not expect the same from someone else? It is a VERY difficult thing ot watch friends and loved ones go through problems that you wish you could give them answers to; the it is much more fulfilling to be a presence, to provide and ear or a shoulder, and to discuss...rather than to lecture. Life is quite interesting. Actually, as I always say: Life's a Bitch...so I became one!

Whew!

Well, I have had a busy morning. I finally got some sleep after 3 days of very LITTLE sleep, simply because I could not fall asleep. I woke early and fionished a painting project I began. It has been about five years since I put pain to canvas. Just felt uninspired and had no reason to. I found inspiration a couple of days ago and went to town. It was odd getting back to it, but I chuckled when I was done and realized I was covered in paint and felt an extreme sense of relief. I also did a little housekeeping this morning after a week of not being able to clean up anything because I have barely been home due to the show I was working. Let me just say that it was a BAD idea to leave a bag of trash sitting outside for three days. Not only did it leak, but there were weird thigns crawling out of it and feeding off of it. I never wanted to retch so much in my life. And now I look foward to hanging out with the elf and watching The Crow. Shoudl be fun, fun, fun!

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.20 -- Done on Tuesday!

1. When was the last time you went out with a true love of yours? What did you two do that made it so special?

Nothing, since I have not had a true love yet.

2. Which far-away friend would you most like to see again?

Well, I finally got to see my best friend from high school recently, so I would
have to say my childhood best friend from whom I was separated because of the
Gulf War.

3. Any high or low points about this past weekend? What went on?

Oh lord. How eeerie is this question? High Points -- The show I was working
ending and hanging out with the cast laughing my ass off. Low Points -- Being
in an emotional pit for no reason which lead to a complete breakdown for one
day....and the show I was working ending. Not sure when I will see some of those
people again, but it was fun while it lasted.

4. I've been thinking about getting a buzz-cut for the summer, a big change for me. Have you ever made any drastic changes to your appearance?

The most drastic would be bleaching my hair and getting an eyebrow ring.

5. How long do you think a couple should date before they get married? Or if you are married, do you think you should have waited longer to get hitched?

Until they feel they are ready to commit to each other. Escapist answer, so
here is a number....3 years. And for God;s sake! Live together first!

6. I just found out my long-time friend does not like Star Wars (!) and has only seen the original 1977 movie! Have you ever discovered anything
new or shocking about a long-time friend you thought you knew everything about?

Yeah. I found out that my high schol best friend lied about everything he ever told me about himself.

7. Well we had a nice picnic and saw the sunset, but now it's dark and I think we should liven things up. Let's call some of your friends and go out.
Who do you want to invite and where should we all go?

Nate, Tenille, the Pickel Queen, Matt, CJ, Jacob, Jason, Sara, Bayley, Leslie.
The craziest group of people you could ever get together. We should all go to
Ybor or to someone's house where the laughter will ensue into the wee hours
of the morning.

BONUS: Why can't ya be good to me?

Oh, but I am. I am too good to you. You just don't realize it.

Completed?

Well, it took me most of the evening but I think I am finally done with the site. Much of the last few hours were spent in trying ot get my commenting system up. It works well and I like the alternate deisgn that still ties in with this main one. So now all you people who are hitting mysite can talk right back at all my crazy posts. Of course, the embarassing thing would be to see NO comments. So, guess my friends will have to kick start them, like Nate did....even though it has NOTHING to do with the post. But I figured, it was funny, so I left it. I am SOOO exhausted and I must sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

So Far, So Good

Well, here is the new look...somewhat. Still tinkering around with some stuff, but I think I might stick with this. I wanted to go with a cleaner, more professional look that was still somewhat expressive. Let's hope I succeeded.

Changing Minds

To say that the last 3 days have been emotionally tumultous would be an understatement. I;'ll delve further later. I finally got an idea for a redesign and I have a bug to get it going. Yeah, my moment on insanity in wanting to take this down is gone.

I have no desire to blog anymore. I feel like just shutting the whole damn thing down.

I So Scurred

Well, I feel MUCH better today after 10 hours of sleep and some great medication. Still no clue what is wrong, but who cares, I am getting better.

My Cabaret audition went very well, although I do not remember much of it because I was so zoned out form being sick. I must have done well because I am called back on Thursday for the part I want.

And on a final funny note coz my ass finna be tired and needs some sleep. I come home to the damn frogs yet AGAIN, but it;s even worse ebcxause one of the security lights in the stairwell is on the fritz so it is being all strobe lightish. So I am freaked out because the combination of the two reminds me the closing scenes in Aliens when Ripley goes back to the nest to get the little ratty girl. I was fearing for my life yo. And no need for the sarcasm or the laughs.

This Sucks

I have my Cabaret audition in an hour and I am freakin sick and I feel soooooooooo achy. I wish the medication would kick in quickly. I WANT THIS PART!

Hospital Visit

I HATE going to clinics or hospitals and I hate being poked with a needle even more. I am deathly phobic about hospital needles, so none of it was fun for me. And now, I wait for the results.

Promo Guy's Monday Mission 2.19

1. Have you ever given someone a present you just KNEW would be "da
bomb" and when they opened it you could tell they just hated it? What's
the story there?

Nah. I have been fortunate enough to know what to get my friends for any occasion.
The gifts are always either personal or gags.

2. What do you do that you would prefer that Mother never finds out about?

Anything and everything. She knows nothing about what I do in my day-to-day
business. Can;t really think of any one thing that I woucl care about other
than my prostitution and drug ring business. :)

3. Ever get in any arguments with your mother? What was one of the worst?

Oh yes. All the time when I was younger and once in a blue moon now. The worst
was when she wanted to stop be from doing drama in high school remember screaming
and yelling and threatening never to speak to her again if she decided to do
that. We were yelling at the top of our lungs (which is not surprising for our
culture).

4. When was the last time someone special hurt your feelings? Did you tell
them or keep it to yourself?

When my best friend, after months of playing mind games and using me, just
up and left and never said a word. I sporadically hear from them. Yeah, I kept
it to myself. I always do. That's the curse of a forgiving an selfless person.
You swallow all the hurt and pain of others only to taste your own bitterness
and never burden them with your own problems, worries, or concerns.

5. Has your mother ever laid any guilt trips on you or made you feel like
you can't do something good enough?

I always felt that my mother was partially Jewish, but I guess it;s a mother
thing. She has tried to do both, and when I was younger it "may" have
worked, but I ignore it now and just call her on it every single time.

6. Looking back on your life, was there ever a point you see as the "crossroads"
where you made a decisions that changed the course of your life? A path you
did not take? What was that path, and do you ever daydream about what your life
would have been like on the "road not taken?" Tell me about that.

Two actually: 1) Escaping from Kuwait during the Gulf War to come to America;
although, I didn;t have much choice there. I always wondered what would have
happened if I never came her and met the people I did and gotten involved in
theatre. 2) Returning ot my old high school to volunteer for my drama club.
I wonder if I would have ever become a choreographer and started dancing had
it not been for that. I also think about all the kids I have met who have been
such a big part of my life (both positively and negatively). Sometimes I wish
I had never gone back, and other times I am thankful I did because of the people
I met. But, I never play the "what if" game. What happened happened
and I deal with all the consequences, both good and bad. Everything happens
for a reason.

7. That was an awesome picnic basket you put together, let's stroll out
by the lake as the sun sets. A cool breeze blows off the lake as the orange
and red reflects off the ripples in the water. I can tell something is on your
mind and I ask you. You think about how to reply but finally you say ...

Nothing.

BONUS: What do you think will come of that?

I am assuming this is in reference to the last question. The person will either
keep pressing me to answer them and I will get annoyed or finally break down
and tell them. It depends on the person.

How in the Hell??

I was perfectly fine yesterday...had no problems. I wake up this morning and my throat is killing me, i feel woozy, and I am achy all over. What the hell kind of biblical plague is this????

On an unrelated note, I have no clue how the hell to redesign this site.

What's Worse?

Your perception of someone which ends up slightly skewed from what the reality is? Or the reality that the person is everything you despise and dislike in people?

On an unrelated note, I must be the only person I know who treats their dreams as reality. Are they so vivid that when I wake up I think they really happened? Or am I so emotionaly shaken by my dreams that I wonder if they really did/will happen? or that the remotest possiblity of it happening bums me out? Or maybe it's nothing post-cognivitve and it;s just my paranoid subconscious creating more chaos. I woke up from a horrible dream that just completely depressed me and I feel so bummed out right now. And now that I think about it, it is related to the first part of this blog. Is it stupid to set your hopes on/in one person or is it ignorant and naively hopeful pessimism?

My head is starting to hurt. . .

What the Hell???

Ok, so let me point out that Stargate SG-1 is one of my favorite shows on TV. I am a huge fan of the movie and was ecstatic when it was turned into a tv series. I love all the characters, the verbal and visual rhetoric, the cultural studies angles, and, hell, the special effects! So how distraught and shocked was I when I was watching the "Meridian" episode and Daniel Jackson (played by Michael Shanks) DIES!. What the hell is that all about? I took to the web to find out some information and here it is. I am just in utter shock and horror. How the hell could they kill his character off?????

Oh Starbuck! And I don;t mean the coffee

What an odd fucking day this has been. Well, an odd weekend.

I had a heart-to-heart with the Elf about the impending/ongoing new friendship. Surprisingly enough, it didn;t go like I thought it was going to. I expected to fall into my normal trappings of inquisition, but I didn't. Granted, being paranoid about a friendship lasting may seem odd to some people, but not to me. My friends are my life; however, I am not co-dependant (altho God knows I used to be). Now, the conversation was not planned at all, and I confess it began as an effort to calm his rising anger on another issue, but it ended up getting deeper than I ever intended, which somewhat frightened me. Even as I type this I am not even sure how to formulate my thoughts. Normally, I would have left a conversation like that analyzing everything that was said and worrying about any possible negative comment, but in some odd twist, I actually felt relieved and hopeful, even though some parts of the conversation were ominous (i.e., longevity of friendships). I actually found myself questioning whether I just wanted to end it right there to spare myself from the future problem of losing the friendship or just shutting up and dealing with it. It wasn;t hard to decide because I didn;t have to. I simply didn;t care about worrying. I decided, what the fuck is the point is worrying about where any relationship is going to end up? My God, enjoy the fucking thing and the benefits that come with it while it is there and alive. And if for some reason, it should "fail" then accept it, understand why, and remember all the positives and the laughter. As much as I would like to think that the reason why most of my male best friend relationships never lasted was due to the other person, I do accept part of the blame. I was foolishly selfless (whereas now it is more controlled and deliberate) and delusionally paranoid about them. I think it's because I wanted to latch onto some kind of permanence what with my being new to this country and suffering from culture shock (I realized this even more after talking to one of the kids from the high school I volunteer at who is an immigrant from Venezuela who went through the same thing with making a new friend). So I refuse to dissect, analyze, and worry about whether this friendship will last or not. I derive so much enjoyment and laughter from it every moment that I am in it and I keep laughing when I am not around it. I see no point in mucking that up with worrying about it. But in all this, I have to ask myself one thing "what makes this one so different?" Can;t be just the Jackie Chan thing. And so I leave this with one simple thought: "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."

Thanks to Sara, yet again, I found a new kind of blogging tool, MovableType. It seems interesting and allows for greater flexibility for design and options and such....but the damn thing is SO difficult. I guess I should just bite the bullet and deal with it so I can learn something. But damn! I just want to get it all functioning so I can redesign this damn site and try something new.

And on a final note, I went with Jorge to help him conduct an audition for One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest at the Sarasota Players (which is the same theatre I turned down twice for playing leads in shows). They were casting for their summer play season and another director was casting for The Rainmaker next door. So there I am helping Jorge, and I finally get to meet the artistic director, a relentless man with a lot of passion and energy and the slickest tatcics this side of an oily salesman. So the artistic director comes in to our side and asks Jorge if he knows anyone who is a Burt Lancaster type to read for Starbuck (the lead) because they are not finding good people. He looks at me and says "Think he could do it?" And Jorge nods and the next thing you know I am given a side for that part to read for an audition. I read over it and right off the bat I know I am the WRONG body type for the part even thought I could act the shit out of it. For God's sake....Burt Lancaster and Woody Harrelson played the part at one time...and I fit nowhere in those two. Knowing this I just go in there and have fun with the audition, and I am not nervous at all because I know the director would be insane to cast me. The next thing I know I am being asked what my schedule is like and it slips at the end of the day that I am cast as Starbuck in the show. How the hell does someone go from freaking helping cast one show to being cast as a lead in the other?????? I coudl have said "no," to even auditioning but I thought, why not...it will be a good experience. Ai dios mio!!! Aifo que escandalo. I am totally flattered and still some what in shock (and Jorge won;t stop making fun of me). I don't even know what I will say when the director gives me an official call (he has no clue that I know) most because I still have my Cabaret audition on Monday and the Emcee is a role I have been dying to play since I was 17. But Starbuck would be a great acting stretch and something I have wanted to do for a while....but to be quite honest I would feel insecure and stupid playing a "handsome con-man that is dashing and hypnotic to women." Come on now....RING! Clue phone people, pick it up!

So again I say.....what an odd weekend.

Feelin' the Breeze

For the first time since I cannot remember I rolled down my car windows, turned off the radio, layed my head back against the headrest and just drove home feeling the wing rustling through my hair and hearing it whirl by. Something about it was just so calming and soothing. I feel so zen-like.

I Have Found

I believe,

And I have found,

Hyperbole is not what makes the world go round.

Just living,

Just never gaining firm and level ground

Has power to astound

I have found.

It's been said,

And I affirm,

That "quiet" doesn't have to be a dirty word.

Just talking

Is often more expressive than a shriek.

It's nice to merely speak

I have found.

Look around.

Contentment, it seems,

Simply happens

It appears.

Accompanied by no bravos and no tears.

No tears.

I have found,

Since I have wed,

That drama doesn't need to be daily bread.

That goodness and warmth are as dramatic in their way

As any Broadway play,

Broadway bound.

I have found.

I have lived in the clouds for so long.

I like it more on the ground.

Was I lost?

Pretty near it.

Now my spirit,

I have found.

Monday Mission

So Sara pointed me to the latest in blog fads. Seems really interesting altho the idea of answering some of these questions totally goes against my walled-upness (that is SO not a word), but I shall answer what I can and plead the fifth on those that are none of anyone's damn business. Does that mean I fail the mission??

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.18

1. Do you have any tattoos? If no, why not and what would you get if you did get one. If you do have one or more, tell us how you came to get it, and why you chose the design you got inked with.

Nope. Never had the urge to get one. My piercing was my one "crazy" thing to do althought I have always wanted to get a tatoo either on my foot or my shoulder blade of camel drama masks. I don;t get it either since camels are not my favorite animals, but why fix the faulty identification if it ain;t broke.

2. Has anything ever happened that caused you to believe, or disbelieve, in a Higher Power.

Well, I definitely do believe in a higher power/force/controlling factor. I don;t necessarily call it God or follow some kind of church dogma to explain it to myself. I definitely have my own set of "different" beliefs, but there is definitely a place for that higher power. Something has to be controlling all this, right? As for certain things, well, I could go with silly wishes that come true, but I rely mostly on connections. I believe everything and everyone is connected in some way and the people who I meet in my life, sometimes by the oddest of circumstances, who make a huge impact and change my or my views when I least expect it are, I believe, part of that certain something. It makes me wonder how they come into my life.

3. Have you ever seriously considered, or even attempted, suicide?

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. As much as life, and my life, pisses me off and is a constant daily struggle, I still do enjoy what it has to bring me. Besides, I would never get to meet those crazy people in my life if I had not stuck around. What doesn;t kill you makes you stronger.

4. Has anyone you have known committed suicide?

Yes. Three friends.

5. This weekend you and I are going to the nature park for a picnic. I'll bring the blanket and make all the arrangements. You pack the picnic basket. What's inside?

Um....food? Fine fine...the details. Deviled eggs, potato salad, funky sandwiches, utensils.

6. Have you ever been mad at God for something that happened (or didn't happen)?

Nope. No point to it. Things may or may not be predestined but I can;t blame anyone else for the things that go wrong in my life. I make my own decisions and I have to live with them. When they do or don't happen on larger outside scales, I just have to say, "whatever is meant to be will be," and "everything happens for a reason." I really believe everything has a purpose even if it is not immediately identifiable.

7. Post (or describe) an image of someone that is no longer with us. Tell us about that person.

Hm. Probably my grandmother: short, stocky woman with a lot of energy. I always remember her with stark white hair and wrinkles that spoke of a loaded history of tears and sorrow. She used to aggravate me as a child until I learned more about her life. She was a survivor of the Armenian holocaust (her escape/resue is just an amazing story). Since she was the only survivor in her family (I assume) our family line begins and ends with her. As the matriarch she was the root of our family tree and my biggest regret was that I can;t trace my family history past her. She made the most amazing food and I used to watch in amazement at all the old-world things she used to do (like healing methods and such).

BONUS: Who are you?

No one.

Gasp....A Break from Blogging

So I've been busy, which is an understatement. So most of this weekend is a blur to me mostly because I did so much and stayed up so late every night that my recollection is weak due to exhaustion. So where to begin....

The first, and most important, was my declaration of friendship to a certain person (sniff sniff....I smell cookies). I battled with this for several days. I know it seems quite odd that friendships require mulling over and decision making in their creation. But I have spent my life making and losing friends and to me, my friends are my life. I live and breath through and with my friends and, to be quite honest, they are my family and always have been. I am thankful for all the friends I have made in my life, but the process of slowly losing touch with most of them due to time and space.

Sara made an interesting point today when I was raving about how happy I was that I never have to worry about matters of the heart or dating bullshit. Frienships are just like any other relationships and to me, in absence of "those" relationships, I have my friendships. Both are exactly the same except for the element of sex (altho we all know about the friends with benefits thing). She brought up some examples of my friendships and compared them to lovers and by God she was right. They are precisely the same. I go through the same ups and downs, the same heartbreaks and joys, and the same enjoyment of having close connections with people. And since sex is complete worthless and pointless for me, it works out grand. Of course, this substitution also explains why I occasioanlly had problems with some of my friends which lead to "break ups," for lack of a better word.

Anyway, over the years I have become very guarded about the people I let into my life and to whom I lower my defenses. It saves me a lot of heartache and allows me to focus on my close friends. I have surface acquaintance friends galore (for God's sake, I have 110 people on my buddy list) and I enjoy them just as much as my close friends. The difference is my emotional connection and the degree to which I love them (and again, I use love not the in norm).

But I digress. After four years, I finally let me guard down and let someone in again, and to be quite honest, the experience is not only exhilirating and satisfying, but fulfilling. I make it sound like some Buddhist experience, I know. But to find someone with whom I can so closely connect on all levels, with whom I can both bullshit and talk on an intellectual level, and with whom I can make laugh over and over again to no end is amazing to me. So I once again delcare: You are most definitely my friend. . .but you're still gonna have to break down the rest of the walls ;b.

As for this weekend...ay dios mio. I spent Friday at rehearsal, then a birthday party, then I crashed at a friends house where I talked to a fellow immigrant until five in the morning. I got up at 9:30, went to pick up the elf (who made the most amazing breakfast I have had in a long time), and went to rehearsal until 4. Then off to a pot luck dinner until about 9:30, then socialized for a little, then came home and got on the phone until 4 a.m. with the elf. A phone conversation that degraded into pure nonsense...I still cannot recollect much of the last half other than a few snippets about the movie Snatch and a discussion about the animal planet network which involved animal noises (wombat wombat wombat). I....am...exhausted.

I woke up this morning thinking it was going to be a slow day, but oh no. I had to redesign a site, had to think of a new design for mine, consoled and advised 8, I say 8, people online all at once and fielded two conversations with friends who were in tears. Tonight was the night for EVERYONE to have problems. Don;t get me wrong. I love helping and advising, it comes with the territory of being selfless....but all of them at once not only confused me but made me want to medicate myself.

On a good note, I had a great dinner that Sara's out-of-town friend Carlton made and then I came home where I now sit typing this and conversing with my fucking friend :). Needless to say it has been a busy and fulfilling weekend full of surprises. I did something I never thought I could do again and had fun in the process.

I guess there are moments in life after all that are positive and that make life worth living. So thank you.......