The Squirrels Return

It;s been a while since I;ve seen my Booby Squirrel, but sure enough it returned
with a friend. They were on the tree outside my window chasing each other and

stripping the tree of the bark. So I decided to webcam their asses, however,
the glare really made the picture weak so it;s tough to see.

 

But I did get my cat Derby stalking them

.

You're Searching for What???? Part 4

Folks...they just keep getting worse and worse.

keebler elf (look nate!)

pointe shoe fetish pictures

pointe fetish

mating pics

goddess death sufer

dromedary date

dog mating human pics

dancing camel movie

camel fucking

armenian sex goddess (is there even such a thing?)

animals mating+pics

Jackie Chan Demon Toys (look Nate! It IS true!)

CAMEL SEX PICS

"foreskin"+"student"

"baby frogs" sex (JeJe....oh god no..not MORE!)

stories of children geting fucked (this is just wrong)

sick animal pics female dog fuck

pics of animals mating for school (a new trend in Show and Tell?)

mating your horse pics

leg stradle sex

horse mating pics

girls geting fucked by animals

free animal mating pics

camel mating pics

camel and hand in symbolism

bannana sex

WEAR A STRAIGHT JACK IN ASYLUM

Cats mating pics

Adult litte people sex

Now I see three trends in all these searches....sex picture of camels, of horses, and of animals mating with girls. What in God;s name is going ON in cyberspace???? And why the hell are they finding MY site. Now that I don;t mind the traffic....but my god.

The Roofer and The Vacuum

Sounds like a really bad children's story. Ok, where to begin first. Let's start with the Nazi Roofers.

For the last two weeks I guess the apartment complex I live in has been redoing the roofs (which I see NO need for). They decided to do this without warning any of the tennants. See....this would not be a problem if the fuckers doing the roof....composed of ONLY FOUR Mexicans...did not take FOREVER. They have worked clear into the night (8:30) and very early in the morning (7:30). That is just ridiculous. Four days out of those two weeks I have been subjected to the banging noises directly above my head. It reminds me of living underneath Rotunda and the Bitch Boy. It is EXTREMELY inconvenient, not to mention annoying.

And now for the fun story. I borrowed Sara's vaccum (an amazing machine) because mine works just as good as my going around the carpet sucking dirt through straw. The thing is POWERFUL. So powerfal in fact that it dangerous. "Dangerous?" you ask. Oh yes. Dangerous. Picture it: I am using the wand with the extension piece to get into the cracks. I get too close to the skirt of my bed and it gets sucked into the wand and keeps going, I fight to get the sucker out and when I do, I pulled so hard that it rebounds and decides to go for my leg. It attached itself to my inner thigh and proceeded to suck the shit out of my skin. I know have a hickey on my inner thigh. I am an innocent victim of a runaway vacuum. I need therapy.

In a Pit

I do not know WHAT is wrong with me. I have been in a major funk since yesterday. I have this nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is seriously wrong or that something is going to happen. I don;t like when this happens, and 9 times out of 10 my feeling is always right (the one time ended up being gas ;b). I can;t pinpoint anything that it could be. Something just needs to happen and the other shoe needs to drop because I don;t like this feeling of forboding anxiety.

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.25

1. Do you wear glasses/contact lenses? If so would you consider going through Lasik surgery? (Or if you already have, please tell us about it)

I wear glassesin daily life and contacts on the stage. I would love to go through the surgery but I never would. I have been wearing glasses for so long that I could not imagine not wearing them until the day I died. Plus, they are like a shield. They hide my quasimodo-like face.

2. Did you ever have to wear braces? How are your teeth? (any cavities, any pulled teeth, root canals, etc.)

Nope. Always wanted to but everyone seems to think my teeth are very strr8. I had one cavity and had to have a root canal. That was an experience.

3. What (if any) recent movies have moved you emotionally? Which one and how so?

Nothing within the last year or so. The two that stand out most in my mind are Billy Elliot and The Cure. I was just bawling like a baby (moreso in the second).

4. I visited my dear Mema in the managed care facility Sunday and while she is doing well, I was sad for her. Living out your final days/years someplace like that seems so lonely to me. Would you rather live the remainder of your golden years in a rest home, or pass away before it came to that?

Put me out of my misery. My grandmother was put in a home and it killed me to see her there because I know she was miserable.

5. Sometimes, but not nearly often enough, I will just stop and marvel at the amazing planet on which we live. The eco-system, life and death, nature, the perfect balance that keeps us alive, the universe, it can all be mind-boggling if you let your mind get carried away. What natural creation or phenomenon just flat-out leaves you with a sense of wonder?

The aurora borealis and the galaxy pictures and star births taken by the Hubble.

6. Have you ever been in a fist fight or a situation where you had to get physically violent with someone else? How did that come about? Any consequences?

Yes, when I was 10 years old. We got into a fist fight on the bus and I won. We we arguing about something really stupid and it came to blows. The consequence was that I became a physical pacifist. I can remember looking out my bedroom window still out of breath and swearing I would never fight with someoen else again.

7. Many times I look back in hindsight and think of how I should have handled a situation. Are there any recent happenings that you wish you would have handled differently? What happened and what do you wish you'd done?

Oh god yes. ALL the time. Recent ones....hmmmm.....never mind...the person to whom it refers reads this site and I wouldn't want their feelings hurt.

BONUS: How far away can you go, and still be dancing with me?

Literally: two feet. Figuratively: Not far enough.

You;re Searching for What??? Part 3

My god...these take the cake:

shaving my twat personal

men fucking female animals

male camel fucking female one

kia rotunda

jeje livejournal (JeJe! Someone was lookin for you!!!)

i'm away laughing on a fast camel

horse/mating/pics/

camel fucking

back bedroom sex"bubble wrap"

arabic fucking moves

Cracked ANIMAL SEX MOVIES

"forced to fuck" mom

smoking asian snipers

sex tiring 2002

plastic glove shit

men fucking female animals

mating with horse's movies

fillipino fucking

Animal mating close up pics

There just keep cracking me up...as offensive as some of them may be.

Free at Last! Free at Last!

As of ten minutes ago, I am officially done grading those friggin finals. I have been dying to blog and have been experiencing a kind of cyber-constipation. But I'll be damned if I am not free and clear to blog to my heart's content.

Gee, where to start. This may be long so bear with me. Not that I need to be asking for forgiveness on that.

I drove down Friday to do laundry and planned on seeing some of the kids, especially since some of them were bugging me about not hanging out with them anymore. I ended up visiting a slew of people. I called up Jacob and what started as a trip to Joffrey's turned into visiting three groups of people we called: The Teens, The Queens, and The Sex Machines.

The Teens

Actually, I really didn;t glean much from this visit, although Jacob did. We were both shocked as to how things had changed within that drama club subculture. And it wasn;t until I talked to him that I realized how truly different it was. My beef came from simply realizing that I did not like half the people in the room. Granted, they are only teenagers, but my despite recognizes no age limits. People are people no matter what and it enraged me to see how much some of them had chanegd (fror the worse) and how some were fake, and how some were truly just nasty and awful human beings. Yes, they will learn and grow, but my god, I have no desire to have some of them around me. I have this need to surround myself with people who have a modicum of common sense and SOME kind of intellectual capacity. Some of these people are parriahs and juvenile morons. It surprises me how some of them have such a narrow and illogical perspective of what real life is. To be naive, gullible, and for lack of a better word, FUCKING STUPID, at 18 is just pathetic and sad. When you can;t see the forest because you refuse to open your eyes then you are just sociologically impotent. I feel sorry for people like that because when they finally wake up and see what life is about they will be destroyed. I feel even sorrier when they drag other people into their sick little circle as some kind of "saving" mission. Fuck that. Understand, I am not being pessmistic about life. I am being real. There is a fine line. I recognize that life has its ups and downs, but I am sure as hell not going to be fatalistic about it, nor will I be naively optimistic about every friggin thing. Life is NOT a Disney movie. Hmm..maybe I DID glean something. At least I got to see JeJe! WOO!

The Queens

We next visited a mutual friend whom we had not seen in about a year. He used to be straight and then one day just came out of the closet. It was quite a shock for us and was the one time when my gaydar was OFF. Although I always had my suspicions. It was interesting because it was amazing to see how MUCH of a queen he had become. If human sexuality can be plotted on a circle, then he has become so gay that he may very well hit being straight again. And when I mean a "queen" I mean a QUEEN. It was in one respect funny, and in another frightening. It makes me wonder if the way people act is really determined by those stereotypes we see enforced day in and day out. Actually, I know they/we are. How much of who we are is an act; a fabrication of the things and people we see, and how much of it is real. I know that I, for one, am very careful about showing the real me, and there are VERY few people who know what I am really like. I don;t do it to be duplicitous. I have two sides to me, and most people only see one. It is up to them to discover the me underneath. I know it sounds like I am being fake, but I don't pretend to be some other persona, I just choose not to let both sides be seen. Yes, it is a defense mechanism, but it is also a way of proving to myself who my real friends are. I have a friend who is precisely what I describe. He lacks a personality and is in fact an amalgam of whomever he is around or whatever he sees. It;s really weird and I never really thought about it until now. There is no sense of who he really is as a person, but a complete outer choclatey shell that does not melt in your mouth OR your hands. I wonder if people are more afraid to face themselves rather than having others know the real them. What is it that makes us feel that we are not good enough sometimes?

The Sex Machines

Ah, the last stop was to visit some older friends that we still keep in touch with. It was so odd seeing some of them drinking and smoking (keep in mind I knew some of these people since they were 12 and some even younger). It always amazes me to see them grown up and I always have to remind myself that they ARE grown up and not to switch to automatic parenting mode. In any case, the entire place was seething with sex, or rather a weak attempt at people trying to mack on each other and lay down their game. It was rather sad, but what was even weirder was how much weight these people had gained! My god, and we are talking like four people. It was SO weird. I am not Adonis, mind you, but I seem to be losing it while they seem to be gaining it. Regardless, these are also some of my closest friends whom I have known for a while and even though I don;t see them on a daily basis, I know they are always in my life.

It is the last group that made me really evaluate something (and you thought I was going to talk about sex, eh?). I always joke with people that I have 9 walls that I surround myself with. They work as my comfort zone and my defense against duplicitous people. I use them in a healthy way, trust me. I am not misnathropic, but I have become VERY selective about the people I call my friends. I used to meet people left and right and call them "friend" when I was younger and I was totally fine with that, until I started realizing that there is a fine line between "friend" and "acquaintance" and I got myself in trouble emotionally and mentally because of that gullibility. I changed all that and while I still do have a large group of friends across the spectrum, I am very careful about who I let into my life. This leads to a higher level of skepticism when I DO let someone in and let the guard down. Besides, the walls do and don;t have anything with getting to know me. I have a couple of friends who know me VERY well, but know nothing about me. One does not equate the other although one DOES explain the other.

Anyway, I am not averse to meeting people and making friends at this stage in my life. I think it is something I will always do. However, in light of recent events and a betrayal of a close friend I realized that I may be too forgiving sometimes about letting people in. When I start letting the walls down, they usually all come down eventually. This marks the first time when the walls came crashing back up. Part of that must have been a reflex, but I think part of that was also my realizing that I was allowing myself to be used and become nothing more than a friend of convenience. A flavor of the month if you will. It has been a LONG time since I have been someone;s doormat, and I have gotten over being angry with myself about this instance, because it was this that just led me to my new revelation. I am finally able to control my emotions when it comes down to stuff like this. I don;t get carried away or paranoid, and while I am still honing and refining, I feel such a sense of empowerment by being able to say "Fuck you and Fuck off." without actually saying it. I find that I don't care, and while that may seem more dangerous and negative, I don;t think so. I am not becoming emotionaly impotent, but emotionally smart. My not caring occured in the context where I realized I was the only one doing the caring, and friendship is NOT a one way street, and I refuse to drive down that lane. It's like an escape clause or an emergency shut down button. I guess what I am driving at is that I really have no problems getting to know people and letting them in (although, God knows I enjoy making it a challenge, and always will), but I am certainly going to be able to allow/disallow those people who want to get closer.

Not sure if any of this makes sense, but it does to me. So HOOPLA!

I am going to go make a fabulous dinner, and watch some TV and veg out for the rest of the evening. I feel fulfilled and accomplished in so many ways. And I leave this blog by saying one simple phrase: Fuck You and Fuck Off.

btw, that is not directed to everyone :)

I am in final grading hell, I willplay blog catch up tomm when I am done...oh so much to say

i am going to go apeshit bloggin tomm...i am just too tired to do it now....tonight was an eye opener and I have str8ened myself back into normal mode.....

I am about one step away from blogging the shit about one of my friends who must obviously be a FUCKING MORON because they don;t realize how SHITTY of a friend they are being. This friendship of convenience bullshit has gone from stupid to absolutely ridiculous. AHHHH!!!! This forgiving and selfless bullshit has its limitations sometimes and I think I am very rapidly approaching mine.

On a funny note, Boo and I planned a spontaneous trip to NY that started as a joke. So for 7 days he and I are going to paint NY red. We have labelled it Boo & Boo NYC 2002. This will be FUN! I need to keep surrounding myself with positive and "true" friends.

No....Not Again...PLEASE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Well, I administered my first exam since I started teaching four years ago. Never needed to give final exams in my Comp classes, but this film course required one. I was hell for me to have to sit through 3 hours of it, I can only imagine what it was like for the students. Then again, they have no room to complain. I now have two days to grade 50 final exams each consisting of 4 essays at the average length of 9 handwritten pages total. I am NOT looking forward to grading them. I don;t think I will ever be able to leave the house.

But, the consolation is that I can hang at Sara's house and grade them while she goes to North Carolina for the week. Lucky her. I had thought of going with her, and I had thought of just going away for the week, but some stuff came up and I won;t be able to go much of anyplace, so I will be house/catsitting for her which suits me just fine. If all goes well, maybe I can shootup to NY in August and see some shows and visit some friends. I need a break or something. My mind is just fried. I am also thoroughly fucking bored with no show to do, but hopefully that will change within the next couple of weeks.

Now, on a COMPLETELY different note, I wanted to share a lovely little phrase that I have revived from my lexicon on intelligent and cultural insults that no one would get: Duplicitous and Manipulative Sow. Allow me to break it down for you:

Duplicitous

Function: adjective

Date: 1928

Definition:contradictory doubleness of thought, speech, or action; especially : the belying of one's true intentions by deceptive words or action

Manipulative

Function: transitive verb

Date: 1831

Definition:to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose

Sow

Function: noun

Date: before 12th century

Definition:an adult female swine; also : the adult female of various other animals (as a bear)

Why pray tell, you are probably asking yourself, did I feel the need to mention this? Because, I have officialy titled a girl I know this. It is indelibly etched in my consciusness now as the only viable connection for someone of her personage. It fits her to a "t" (what the fuck does that mean anyways?) and like Cinderella it fits her nasty feet. I feel it important to educate my readers of the various ways of insulting people and I find that this little three-word gem works perfectly in those instances when saying "bitch" is just not good enough.

Who? What? Where?

My brain is officially Jell-O. I graded 32 papers and 50 quizzes. I am spent.

And...oh yeah...elves smell like mung. (don;t ask people)

I am in a shitty, nasty, fucked up, FOUL mood tonight

Strangely enough, I alrady got a call back from one of the theatres to do a touring show (this time onstage). Just goes to show you how much personal perception can be skewed.

And the Tears Flow Forth

That had to be the most pathetic audition I have ever given. But then again it serves me right for waiting until the last minute. Jorge was running late coz he didn;t print out his headshots and resumes so he came over here to get it done and we drove over together. I got there super early so I just waited for about an hour and a half. Thank god a good friend of mine was playing the piano so I fel comfortable. But oh no. I wasn;t really that nervous when I got into the theatre, I just wanted to get it over with. I was just not in the mood to audition. I talk to the accompanist about my song and then head center stage. We start and somehow towards the middle, he is about two measures behind me and there was NO WAY I was going to stop or stall. I just kept going hoping he would catch up. Until the key change that is...oh yeah...not fun to be singing in one key while he is playing in another, but it sorted itself out when he got on track. So while i sounded ok and just kept going i know it must have sounded awful because the piano was off. My monologue went ok, some big smiles and chuckles. I think they were trying to be polite because they waited until I was done to laugh out loud. It was not a great audition and it did not suck. I could have done better. But I can impress some of these people at the FPTA auditions in August. I can remember being on that stage and not knowing what the hell was going on. I don;t even think I emoted and God knows my eyes were plastered to the balcony and not on the directors. Eh. We'll see what happens.

Jorge came over after we were done and we hung out and went over of the musicals I was asked to choreograph that he may very well be directing. I was laughing SO hard that I cried about four times because the whole thing was just ridiculous. What started out as a good idea and some nice music degraded into nonsense and repetitive music ALL IN THE SAME KEY. The things you will do for money. He was making jokes; I was making jokes. I definitely needed the laughs after last night's bullshit and my bad audition this afternoon. It put me in a good mood.

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.24

How ironic that the Monday Mission for this week should be all about fathers. I meant to actually to write something in regards to father's day, but I decided against it. In my culture it;s a big no no to talk about family problems to others or in the open. It;s the skeletons in the closet thing. Guess, I;m fucked. Sigh.... So here we go.

1. What does Father's Day mean to you personally?

Absolutely nothing. I was about as disconnected and as distant from my father as anyone could be. As far as I am/was concerned he just supplied the other half of my genetic makeup.

2. Was there a Father, or a Father Figure in your life as you grew up?

No. I am not sure if I ever really had one or tried to find one. My mom did a pretty damn good job of being a parent to me. I learned very quickly how to raise myself and teach myself about life. And it worked out fine. I don;t think I missed out on anything. I mean if you don;t know what you;re missing, how can you miss it?

3. a) If you are a parent, is the father of your child(ren) involved on a daily basis? Is that even important?


or if you do not have children


b) Would you like to become a parent? Would you be good at raising your own children?

Yes. I would love to have children and I would most definitely raise them well, and, most importantly, raise them myself.

4. With Rosie, Callista, Jodie and Camryn all raising children without Fathers, Hollywood seems to be sending a message that children do not need male role models. Do you agree? Are these "stars" sending a good message to the young adults who admire them?

Just because we are ideologically and sociologically conditioned to think we need a male or female role model. Why? Why do we need someone else to idolize or ape in order to form our identities. Guidance is one thing, imposing your ideologies is another. There is nothing that two parents can do that one can;t do on their own. Two parents come in handy when you want to play one for the other. Plus, why is it that starts are or should be responsible for sending messages to people. I am so tired of people placing the blame and responsibility on celebrities. Raise your own fucking kids. Enough with pointing the fingers to explain why kids turn out so bad. And messages are not inherently bad or good, it's what we place on them due to social mores and norms.

5. Do you think the absence of a loving, caring father in the life of a child could have any influence on their sexual preferences when the child grows up?

Is this like the doting mother who turns her son gay because of too much affection? Again, that is bullshit especially because I believe sexual preference is genetically predetermined. It;s not some damned light switch you turn on and off. You can;t turn someone gay or straight. However, I DO think that a parent needs to be caring and understanding of their child's choices. And why is it always the absent father that makes kids gay????? What about gay parents who raise str8 children? People need to get their logic right and their heads examined and stop judging and forming opinions based on both social and biblical mythologies.

6. Was there ever a time when your father became "uncool." Or maybe embarrassed you?

He didn;t have a chance to because no one really met him. My mother was my only parental contact with my friends. He was left in the shadows.

7. Are you ever too old to kiss your Dad?

Wrong question to be asking me. I think I stopped kissing mine when I was 9. But in general, I think you are never too old to show affection to your parents.

BONUS: When you coming home, dad?

You left????

On Another Note

My friend Jen, another one of FeFe's Kids (she;s JeJe the Traumatized), has created her own LiveJournal. Check it out...i'll be linking to it from my site tomm. It;s pretty cool so bookmark it!

Fucking AAAAAAAAA

Ok, so let me set the scene. I forget that I have the West Coast Theatre Alliance Auditions tomorrow (just like last year) so I have been busy all day printing out headshots and resumes, cutting them down, stapling them, memorizing a monologue, cutting down my song and memorizing it AND grading papers. So needless to say that this has been a stressful day...not that I am looking for sympathy.

Of course, this was all exacerbated (and I think I spelled it wrong) by someone fucking up my mood. I am the kind of person that HATES being manipulated and used and it;s even worse when I catch on to it. It;s rare nowadays that people can get away with it without my knowing, and if they do, I usually figure it out quickly. In addition to finding that precious little gem, I was JUST getting over being emotionally concerned with a friendship and the person. I was quite proud of myself for being able to disconnect so easily and realizing my life was MUCH happier without the stress and turmoil of it. But no.....tonight I flew right back into the motherfucking thing. I let myself get lulled into a false sense of belief again. Granted, I am to blame because I let my damned guard down again. I am so sick of this shit.

I had a LONG conversation with Jacob about the situation and the person and he was just as confused as I was about what to do. His best advice was to either phase myself out of it or phase the other person out. This is such a tough situation because everything keeps flip flopping between good and bad and while part of me wants to work at it, the other part is just tired of the whole fucking thing. I cannot STAND being used by people especially when it is in times of mere convenience. That is fucking ridiculous and belittles any sense of friendship and negates any positive comments made about it. I am so mad and stressed that I can;t even formulate a proper thought about it. Like I need this bullshit the night before an audition. Damn, damn DAMN!!!! I was fine when I didn;t care and was indifferent to how it turned out, and the fact that I am getting this upset belies that I may not truly be over it. That friggin optimistic speck in me keeps tugging away.

On a more positive note, I realized tonight, moreso than any that Jacob is truly such a close and good friend of mine. No one knows so much about me and yet knows nothing about me but knows me perfectly. Definition = Jacob knows exactly what kind of person I am, what I like, dislike, and what my personality is. However, he knows nothing of my past and what I have gone through. We have only been in one fight and it was dumb and over very quickly. I have NEVER had to worry about where I stand with him and where he stands with me. He is the only one I allow to insult me at a whim and mock my problems because I know he does it from a place of love. Ironically, he is also the only friend with whom I have no personal contact. It skeeves us out to hug each other and we simply can;t be emotionally mushy over the other, even though we deeply do care about each other. It;s just been one of those things. But I tell you what, he has been my strongest and longest male friendship and I really do treasure it. There is not a night when we are not on the phone for hours sometimes just laughing our asses off and talking about anything. It;s just funny when someone completes your sentences. We come from such different places but have such common places of interest. He even made me an honorary Mormon. Now THAT is the kind of friendship that not only means a lot to me, but works so well. I have never had this kind of stress with him. Granted, those friendships are rare and few and far in between. And part of the reason why I went to him is because we both went through the same thing with a mutual friend, so we have both been there.

It still surprises me that friendships can cause as much hassle, stress, and turmoil as relationships. I find that the older I get the less inclined i am to deal with juvenile bullshit. And it;s not that I don;t care about the person or the connection, but I am not going to go through high school antics and bullshit at 25. There is simply no need for it. If I feel like I have to be in constant struggle and turmoil over the honesty and reality of a friendship then I'll just disconnect. There should NOT have to be THAT much of a struggle. I know that none of this is probably making any fucking sense at all. And I am really not feeling better about it either. I need to go back to that spot of not caring and feeling disconnected. But it;s not like I have a choice, the person made it very clear tonight, whether in sarcasm or not, about the permanence and future state of the friendship and while I first laughed at it, I soon realized that the comment really hurt my feelings. Not that I would ever say anything about it. I always keep shit bottled up and add everyone else;s problems to my stack. I was born to swallow the bitterness of others only to taste my own.

Hmm....no clue

Well, I can honestly say that I have nothing substantial to blog about. I have felt so lachrimose lately, so naturally, I have no desire to sit here and type away mindlessly at the computer....oh wait....can;t say that now!

Hm...let's see.... I could question human existence in the universe. I could expound on cultural ideologies. I could analyze the sociological psychodramatic behavior of my friends. Or I could sit here and bullshit.

Honestly, I have been out of my mind trying ot find things to do. There is only so much reading and working out one person can do before they go out of their mind. I am tired of hanging out with people, but don;t want to be languishing in solitude. I want to sit at home and watch movies, but I am tired of sitting on my ass. I am in such a state of flux. However, I am actively trying ot find myself a job so I don;t have to worry about teaching anymore. It was fun while it lasted, but USF has no concept on what fair pay is. And frankly, I am a jack of all trades, I like trying different things, so I want to be done with teaching for a while and do something else. I am SO sick of school, but I am starving for knowledge. I am living in a state of pardoxical oppositions right now.

I am also worrying myself sick about this green card lottery situation. Time is running out and as it stands I have no kind of visa whatsoever and am existing in a state of status flux. If this sucker does not go thorugh by Sept. 30 then my butt's going to be finding new stomping grounds. If nothing else this will just speed my plans of moving ot Europe. However, I WOULD like a crack at my New York plans first. I know it is senseless to be worrying about since it is completely out of my control. I just wish there WAS something I could do about it. It;s been very hard to live for the last 12 years in this country feeling like I was engrained in the culture and yet not a part of it. I really don't have a country to call my own (other than that which I am culturally aligned to). I have no recollection, or rather, very little, of my life back home. All my memories and growth took place in this country, and frankly, I could not imagine living anywhere else in order to pursue my goals. Sometimes I feel like getting in my car and drivingdown to INS and just getting down on my hands and knees and begging. Of course, the fact that I speak English flawlessly might confuse them. Yeah, that was a bad slight to make. But believe me when I say that on my first visit there, I was the ONLY one who spoke English was well as I did.

And now I feel completely bored with blogging and have no desire to finish this. I'll be back later.

You're Searching for What??? Part 2

And in the continuing trend of odd fucking phrases used to search my site:

sex goddess cliques

missing people of queens ny.

mean camel

man fucking female dog in heat

bitch girls

asian girls good values morals

story of being forced to fuck animals

shaving cream and sex

horse mating pics

fillipino bride bad stories

I swear to you...my site has NOTHING of the above. But my...what an insight into people's minds.

And Yet Another...

"The second you think you know it all, life goes and takes a big bite outta your ass. And I;ve got the scars to prove it."

More LaChiusa

More insightful lyrics from LaChuisa's The Wild Party:

People Like Us. We take lovers like pills.

Just hoping to cure what we know we can;t fix.

And we'll lay in their arms

And we'll say pretty things:

We'll be there but not there

But we'll still get our kicks -

People like us: We sure get our kicks:

And we heal awful fast and we don;t even scar:

We are here but not here

In a roomful of friends

We could join in the fray

Or stay here where we are --

So much truth packed into so few lines. I just both the simplicty and the complexity of the lyrics and the subtext. And God knows I know a lot of people like this. And it sure as hell helps explain a lot.

You;re Searching for What????

I could not let this pass up. I was checking my site stats and here are a few of the search terms used to find my site. I even tried some of em out and I was actually on the first page for some of them.....and there is NOTHING on my site related to them at all!

Sara's twat

Scrawny Men Sex

the physiological aspect of prison life

pictures of bathrooms covered in shit

shaving blog

see girls geting fuck by animals

kroean[sic] sex

frogs mating pics

Bubba is a cross dresser

Wrong. Just Wrong. Funny....but wrong.

When It Rains...It Pours

Oh where to begin with all of this. So as if being asked to choreograph one original musical with future plans was not good enough, I got a call yesterday from someone to choreograph THEIR original musical. I am spazing out, but I am so enjoying getting the work. This one is called UZ and is based on the book of Job. Interesting subject matter to say the least, but I do love that story, and I have always wanted to work on an original piece that is biblically based. The people who created the show contributed music tot he Olympics and industrial shows and have one of thier other shows being optioned right now for a possible NY run. They want to do the same with this show. They performed it once to rave reviews and would like to do it again with a larger cast and more dancing. My good friend jason Tucker who made the move to NY this year is still looking out for me, so I have him to thank for this second one. I just can;t believe my luck. The hard thing is that both shows rehearse at the same time and perform in the same month. But I don't care. This is toog ood to pass up.

I went in for my first job interview today. It was fun. It;s just for a temp profofreading position at a HUGE insurance company. But I did the customary filling out of paperwork and had to take a proofing, editing, and gramma test. I think I shocked the staffing agency ladies when I turned in the proofing test and said "I wasn;t sure what style you wanted me to edit this in so I used all three, MLA, APA and CMA." To which they looked at each other, then at me, and then at each other, as if clueles until one responded "I guess you DO know your stuff." It was priceless. So now I wait for a call to see if the insurance company likes what the staffing company has to say. I could definitely use the money to pay off bills and jet the hell out of here.

And on a sad note, I went to a graduation party for the kids I worked with; it was also a farewell party for one of the students who is going back to Venezuela because his family screwed up his paperwork BAD. It was very bittersweet. But I also enjoyed driving around with two of them trying to find two of the seniors who decided to go to a kegger instead. I was not happy at this, so I got in my car and tried to track their asses down...with NO success, of course.

And on a final note, I get such satisfaction when my worst suspicions about people's natures and characters are proved true with one small action. It just shows me how right I am when I get feelings about certain people and try to dismiss it for possibilities. Alas and alack, this is life.

But What Means this Word: "Love"?

I decided to start doing some ground work for my thesis (doing a cultural perspective treatment of Joseph Mancure March's The Wild Party in tandem with its musical counterparts of the same name; one written by Michael John LaChuisa, and the other by Andrew Lippa. I am especially interested in the LaChuisa version because I think it is more faithful to the original text plot and context. Besdies, I absolutely love his lyrics and music and think he is the MOST overlooked composer/lyricist of our time.

In any case, there are a few sung lines that the character Kate sings in regards to love that just struck me as absolutely amazing and true:

I'm gonna tell you something

Something I learned too long ago:

Love ain;t nothin but a whole lotta nothing

And you know what it's really about?

It;s about comfort, not love, loverman

It's about comfort

And keepin hold of it, hanging on to it

And doin whatever it takes to get more

Now as much as I love music, I tend to be a note whore and loves songs for their vocal potentiality before their lyrical, but this was a different thing. I find those lines to be so incredibly true. Trying to define love is as difficult as trying to prove God's existence, they both require some measure of faith. However, the pursuit of the former is what tends to drive people insane most of their lives. Trying to fall in love, hanging onto those people with whom you fall in love, grieving over the loss when the love is no longer there. But how much of it is this thing called "love" and how much of it is truly an issue of comfort: being with someone, having someone around, sharing a clsoe sapce with someone else. After all, the only difference between a friend and a lover is the physical aspect (and, yes, I am excluding friends with benefits).

I am always in disbelief when my friends tell me they are in love because my reflex is to say "how do you know?" And then I watch as they flounder and areunable to answer me, and I just shake my head. I am especially skeptical when it is said after a SHORT amount of time. For me, to "love" someone, you have to know them pretty damn well; both their bad and their good qualities, and be able to connect with them on emotional, mental, and physical levels. That does not mean getting minor play talking about bullshit and thinking you are in love. Of course, I am torn in my thoughts about this because I truly believe that those relationships we have when we are younger prepare us for the relationships in the real world. BUT, there is a line I don't think you cross in those interim stages. This culture and society is so based on sex that that seems to be the impetus behind people geting into relationships and staying in them. After all, the cliche is that people fall in love at first sight, which basically means falling in love with the outer/physical shell, not some metaphysical arrow of love.

Granted, this all sounds like the ramblings of a cynic or one who has had his heart broken, but it;s not. I just makes more sense. When I think of the married couples I know, friends who jump from one relationship to another, those who give themselves up physically so easily and freely, those who say or think "love" too quickly, I wonder if it all isn;t in some pursuit of just "being" with someone and getting that comfort of having someone around. I mean think about it, the married couples that last the longest are those that share the most comfort, not the most love. Maybe one means the other and vice versa.

I just hate the word "love" and the way it is tossed around. People imbue simple words with the most abstract of ideas, and in this case to explain those butterflies and nervous tendencies so stereotypical of falling for someone. And again, I am not saying people should not seek relationships with others; it IS part of the growth process. I just have a problem with the lack of understanding people have about it, the flippancy at which they connect and disconnect, and the fallacy in thought behind what they think will keep that comfort close by. And that bullshit of "I feel ready" is just that, bullshit. There is a difference between taking a risk and pre-planning some "fated" event. I am sure this is all sound and fury; people have been like this for a very long time and to ask for simplicity and a pause for logical thought would be asking too much. It seems we are too concerned with our base animal natures and not with anything of substance.

Aifo! Que Escandalo!

This is just SO wrong. Funny. But wrong.

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.22

1. Who or where do you go to when you need help for web-related problems?

I ask my friend Sara or I consult a throng of web-related sites like www.htmlgoodies.com.

2. There is a big mess of gossip going on in Blogland due to revelations
about a very popular Blogger. I got very caught up in reading all the links
to links about it until I stopped myself realizing it was none of my buisiness.
Do you ever get caught up in gossip, either speading it or listening to it?
How does it make you feel? Or have you ever been the subject of gossip?

Yes, I think I always get caught up in listening to gossip from every angle
and every person. Someting about me makes people comfortable about telling me
anything. I RARELY ever participate in the gossip unless I am taking to the
horse's mouth. I am neutral as to how I feel about it unless the gossip is not
true and I knwo it for a fact. I will usually try to correct the misuderstanding.
And yes, I have been te subject of gossip. Who hasn;t at least once in their
life?

3. In a relationship, when your other takes a dig at you (read: a fight),
do you go for the jugular and get "in their face" or try to peacefully
smooth things out and have a calm discussion?

It depends on how reasonable they are being. I like going for the least combatitive
route because it causes less pain and solves more problems. I think two people
yelling is counterproductive and leads to VERY little understanding or explanation.
Now, if they are being total asses about it, and if I am feeling bitchy, then
sometimes, but not very often, I will pull out my barrage and go to town.

4. A friend once told me "You can tell when someone is bored with what
you are saying to them when they reply with 'That's interesting.'" And
I have found this to be pretty dang true. How do you know when someone has lost
interest in what you are saying?

When I get one word answers like "uh huh," "yeah," "really?"
Usually, I try to keep them entertainied and laughing, but I can usually tell
when they are doing something else. You know, like typing away at the computer,
watching TV....I CAN hear such sounds.

5. Ever get jealous of the popularity other Blogs?

Not of the blogs but of their commenting popularity. I have assloads of people
coming to my site, but no one comments. Pour quoi?

6. What is your favorite dirty word? (those who don't curse can pick your
favorite happy word)

Well fuck me.

7. (the continuing story...) OK, we are definitely doing that again. But
seeing as it is nearly 6am now, how about breakfast? Anywhere you'd like to
go or should we fix our own? What do you like? Or is there something else we
need to do first?

Let's go to IHOP and laugh.

BONUS: What have I done to deserve this?

I keep asking myself that every day of my life.

To IM....or Not to IM....Ay, There's the Rub

Well, enough of the silly sentimental bullshit I have been spewing forth onto these pages. I feel the need to analyze, criticize, and eviscerate those issues that bother me and that I see as culturally (in)significant. You know you have been in graduate school too long when you start using parantheses to created words within/out words.

Ok, so here is my recent quandry. I have decided that I am a little tired of being online in the sense of using AIM all the time. In the last 2 1/2 months I have been online EVERY night and have stayed up into the wee hours talking to people. Granted, I do not regret that. I met up with some great people and it was pivotal in my friendship with The Elf, so I do no begrudge it. However, I am officially tired and bored by it. Maybe it;s the dirth of conversation. Maybe it's the plethora of mindnumbing conversations. Maybe it;s the forced conversations I find myself having to have. I told a couple of friends about this, one of whom agreed, and the other disagreed. He disagreed so much that he called me a "whore" and a "pun" (pronounced poon...i have no clue what it means). And he KNOWS who he IS.

It made me question what it is about usin instant messengers that people find so drawn to. Is it the ease in communication with people because then they never have to say anything face-to-face? Is it dangerous mode of dis-socialization and the need to only connect with people on surface levels (although, I know I have had deep conversations online, but they lack a certain groundedness because of that missing "live" human quality). What made him call me a "whore" simply because I fel the need to get away from it for a while. I grew tired of sitting on my ass and neglecting important things. I also find that sometimes, cyberspace as a place of compisition can be dangerous because of the lack of hearing emotions and dips and highs in tones that we associate with sarcasm, anger, depression and so on. Plus, something about the lack of the real-time conversation creates lags.

Now granted, I am not staying away FOREVER. I am planning on going back, but I just need a break. People think it is so detrimental NOT to be connected to people in cyberspace. Could this be what so many sci-fi writers have warned about the dehumanization effects of technology? Are we really moving to a co-dependance on technology as, what?, a subsitute or cover-up for human contact. I know I am not speaking from a position of fuddy-duddiness. I am a phone whore and a face-to-face addict. I think im's have their benefits which serve long distance issues, but when people are so nearby what is so hard about picking up phones or going to see someone. Have we really become that busy? Have we become that jaded about the value of "real" conversations? And just what the hell IS a Poon????

On a another note....the elf leaves for KY on Wednesday for 2 months. It will be interesting (read quiet ;b) to say the least. I imagine I will miss him terribly, but nothing like absence to make the heart grow fonder. Then again, out of sigh out of mind eh? Although the conversations will be few and far in between, they will be looked forward to. I will miss him.

Meanwhile, my ass will be stuck here waiting to start this new musical and waiting to teach yet another semester of exciting classes.

YAY!

The Tony Awards are on tonight! I am highly excited and cannot wait to see who gets the awards and who is shafted. Hey....if y'all can have your Oscars,. I can have my Tonys.