A Day of Laughs

Wow, I really had a great day today. My morning started with a little of depression because I had to pay for tuition. But it will be my last semester of school ever so I am happy I will never have to pay tuition again. I played catch up with hanging out with the Elf and I am so glad that I did. I have not had a day like this in a long time. It was nice to just sit around and have fun and chow down and watch a movie (well pieces of it), play silly games and just talk. We just laughed at some of the stupidest things and we were enthralled with playing a game of hand slap (you know where you place your hands on top of someone else's and they try to slap your hand and you try tu pull away in time). We just kept playing it over and over again and just laughed and laughed about it. We chowed down on mozarella sandwiches (a new concoction I thought of last night) and drank Hawaiin Punch. We watched the dance sequences in All That Jazz and he asked me to read his palm again. It's funny how intense he gets with it. I think it is very endearing.

It was also really nice to see his mom again. I do love her so. She has such a good heart and is just such a good person. I love being around her.

This was also very different from past times when I have hung out with Nate. It was just really laid back and nonchalant, no pressure, no stress, nothing. It was just pure fun and friendship. It also made me realize more than ever how much of a friend and how close I consider him in my life. It's a nice change and is definitely something I have not had in a long time. It;s very cool. I needed this day. It just reaffirmed a lot of stuff and gave my mind and soul a break from alll the bullshit I have been going through. I honestly cannot wait to do it again.

On a side note, while I was at Nate's house I signed on to my AIM and was chatting with someone about a commenting system for elf's blog. What ensued was a hysterical conversation with Sara, Harmonie and Ana. In sum, it was a sexually charged conversation in which Nate was propositioned for sex and invited to come hang out with the crew. He would totally fit in with them and I can;t wait for all five of us to get together. Talk about a night full of laughter. I am sure he would feel uneasy at first, but the girls would just usher him in with no problem. However, I hated being referred to as a Lolita. It;s wrong, just wrong. Not even funny. Just wrong.

I am at Sara's right now and I need to get my ass home and get some sleep for rehearsal tomorrow. Kinda looking forward to it and kinda dreading it. Ugh. The other big event this weekend I will have to blog about is spending two days at Stephen and Dre's house to try and squeeze in some time to make the demo tape for the theatres as the chillun lay down the tracks for the cast recording. This is going ot be VERY interesting since I will be spending the night. May God have mercy on my soul. I knwo one thing for sure....I WILL be doing a lot of laughing.

When it Rains, it Pours....Or, Why my Life Sucks

In continuation of my woers from two posts ago about the FPTA auditions. I returned a call from a theatre that did not call me back that day but was interested in me after my second audition. They are in West Palm Beach, they had housing, and paid $450 a week for rehearsals and performances. It was for a 6-person ensemble touring show called "Out of Bounds" and sounded like an awesome show and a great opportunity.....but...of course....as also happened last year, it is at the same time as Uz. I would be getting paid WAY more and getting better experience, but I am locked into this show. I knwo it is not all abot the $$, but damn, I HATE that I had to pass up this opportunity. I had two suchs chances last year when I auditioned for the West Coast faction and couldn't do it because I was involved in Side Show, which ended up being a good decision anyway. I feel so bad when I turn people down because i feel like I am slighting them even though the reason is completely valid. But they were very understanding and seemed like nice people and said they definitely will hold onto my information because they want to talk to me about future stuff, so we'll see. All this on the heels of my wanting to drop the whole theatre thing. This has not exactly drawn me back, I am still wavering on the fence about the decision, but it doesn;t help my leaning towards the abandoning. ARGH! I hate it when opportunity knocks at the wrong time.

First Day of School

I am SO fucking exhausted from today. It is amazing how tiring teaching can be. I was surprised at the personalities of the students (some of whom shook my hand after class) and by their writing skills. I think this may be a great semester. It has renwed my interest in teaching. This group will either really inspire me, or really let me down. # down, one more to go tomm. On another note, I picked up a part time internship job that I interviewed for a month ago. I like the people and the work really interests me, so I hope it leads to bigger things. We'll see. I must now go veg.

FPTA Auditions

So I had my state auditions today for about 25 companies around Florida and some from up north. Woke up early this morning and tok care of the mess Kinko's made of my headshots. Then I was a little worried because my voice was just not waking up and behaving and I needed to sing in an hour. I finally resorted to steam bathing my chords to try and get em soft and clear the gunk out of there and it worked like a charm. I went over to the performing arts center, signed in, waited for a while, was ushered in and went in to sing and do my monologue. I thought I did pretty well. I went into that zone where I do;nt even remember what the hell happened. The callbacks were nto going ot be posted until 5:30 so I went home for a while. When I came back, I ran into one of the directors of the companies who had a short talk with me about needing to find someone to coach me to get me to be less self-conscious. Apparently, I exuded that in the audition, unbeknownst to me. This, of course, did not sit well with me, but did not surprise me. I have always know that my lack of confidence at "big" auditions is my downfall. Hearing it for the first time juat knocked me down a few pegs.

I was not expecting anything from the callback list, but was surpised to be called back by 7 companies, two of which just wanted my headshot. So I did my rounds of meeting with each one which was very cool; i tried to be very professional and personable. Two of the companies I am really interested in; one is in Naples and the other actually runs three theatres (PA, AZ, and FL) and I love their season. I also plugged my choreography skills to both because they look like good places with good people.

The dance audition was actually fun and I was SO much more relaxed and at ease in their, which is odd because I am NOT trained and I don;t LOOK like a dancer. BUT, what made it great was that it was conducted by Gary Flannery who is one of the original Fosse dancers. He was in the original Chicago and was in All That Jazz. I was SOOOOOOOO excited and he totally did a Fosse combination that I tored up. We started with some waltz/ballet combo which I did ok with. The jazz combo was faboo. At one point, we were left alone to do the combo in front of the directors and the beat came up and I went and the other guys stayed behind. I thought i was wrong, but I ended up being right and I got applauded. One of the other guys shook my hand and then smacked my ass....he quickly apologized and said, "It;s a baseball thing." I just looked at him quizically. I got to talk to Gary afterwards and found out he is local and teaches at a studio so I am going ot have to to sign up and take classes. It was great just watching him when he was teaching the girl's combo. He is just amazing.

I was sweaty and wasted at this point. I had not even eaten anything all day. I got in line for my singing callback and told myself to just go in there and be confident. And I think it worked, not sure. Overall, I was pleased with what I did and it wasn ice getting to see the kinds of people who were there. But, I am just not sure if it is for me or if I can do it. I love theatre, I love watching shows and being in them, I love singing, dancing, choreographing, hearing the laughter and applause from the audience. I just don;t knwo if I am cut out for it. I looked around at all the people there and listened in on conversations, and I just don;t think I fit in. I do;nt have a "look," I am not the right "type," and I am not even sure if I have the "X" factor. I wish I could do nothing more with the rest of my life but be on stage and choreograph, but I also need to be realistic about my chances. Being able to sing or dance or act well is not enough. I am not a marketable person. I just don;t know. I have no problem with rejection, or pressure, or stress. I got used to all that stuff a long time ago. I just don;t know if i want to spend the next 5 years trying and not doing anything else, and I certainly do not want to come back and become some community theatre queen. But I also know I would never be happy if theatre was not a part of my life in some way. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am having such a pity party moment.

Getting There

The NYC updates and normal blogging will resume this weekend...I hope. Just having a rough time with getting stuff ready for school and dealing with artistic differences and dealing with people and their unmitigated egos. I now understand how Bob Fosse felt when he said he hated collaborating and preferred working alone. I know theatre is all about collaboration, but not with people who have NO FUCKING CLUE what in the hell they are doing. This has gone from a labor of love to whoring myself out for the money. I am not just not happy and not enjoying myself and the only thing that gets me going is the people I am working with in the cast whom I love dearly. I guess in a way this is a good lesson about just sitting back, doing my job, and letting others control everything else. Also works out nicely when it comes to people pointing fingers, as long as my ass does nothing else but choreograph, I am only responsible if the people think the dances look like shit. I knwo it sounds careless of me, but I am tired of of not being heard and I am tired of this level of bullshit. I know it probably isn;t better in NYC, but I would rather deal with it on an AEA level then a think-i-know-it-all level. ARGH! I am so frustrated...

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.33 -- Done on Tuesday....Well...Wednesday Morning Now

1. Many children have blankets, or a favorite nubby stuffed animal that they like to keep near them for security. Do you recall what you had for your "security blanket" as a child? When did you finally give it up? What brought that about?

I never had anything that I clung to in the sense of a security item. I guess I was a cynical childl I saw finality and an end in everything, so why bother getting bonded to something.

2. Now that you are a big kid, what do you have to give you that same sense of security?
Cookies and Cream Ice Cream. LOL....my friends and knowing that there are people there for me even when they are not close by.

3. With a little over four months left in 2002, have you accomplished everything you wanted to for the year? Is there anything that you would like to accomplish before the year is over?

No.....Yes....Lose some more motherfucking weight, move to New York, get a theatre a career.

4. I don't know about you, but it seems to me children have it pretty good these days. Game systems, computers in the home, microwaves, cable TV, the internet, cell phones and pagers, they certainly have a wider variety of technology than most of us did as children. What modern convenience, if any, do you think it would be good for children today to do without? What would they gain?

Not necessarily do without, but a moderation of internet/gaming. I think that technology, as useful as it is, is a leading cause of the decline of communication. That is dangerous because as a species we need more face-to-face comm instead of living through and on a digital world. We neem something empirical more than a screen and a keyboard. Don;t get me wrong, technology has its uses, and I could not live without my computer, but we do need to occasionally move away and live life in the real world, whatever that may be.

5. Many of us have one thing in which we believe we excel. What do you do better than most?

Read people like an open book. Gives me the advantage to get to know people well, get in their heads, and help them with whatever ails them. Right Elf? MUAHAHAHAHA!!

6. In the United States, and possibly other countries, teenagers in High School usually wind up falling into several social circles or "cliques." Stoners, Rich Kids, Jocks, Cheerleaders, Band, Drama, Goths, and so on (though the names are probably different today). What High School "clique" did you find yourself in? Was it by choice or did it just happen? Did you look down on other groups? (Aw it's ok, it was/is High School, we all did dumb stuff)

I was in the "Theatre Freak" group. I didn;t know it. I didn;t care. Cliques were pointless to me because I had friends across the groups. I thought it was assinine then and it is now. But what can you do?

7. (it begins) I have great news! I won the contest and we now have plane tickets to anywhere in the world. The bad news is we have to pick a place now and leave in the morning. I can't decide where to go, so you get to pick. Where should we go, and what is the first thing we should do when we get there?
Hm....England. GO see some castles....since you know they are EVERYWHERE, right Sara?

BONUS: Must I beg you?

Nope, you know you never have to. Just ask nicely.

Back in Business

I am back in town. Got home last night, well this morning, at like 4 and did not go to sleep until 5:30 and I JUST woke up. I have lots to talk about and lots to gloss over. But first, I must go run errands and get my Tampa life back in gear. Being back made me realizeh ow much I missed being away. An hour into being in Tampa my stress level skyrocketed and I was reminded of all the reasons WHY I wanted to get away and WHY I want to move now even more than before. I';ll be setting up a separate NY section because there is a lot of shit ot cover. But I had a blast and can;t wait to go again!

Still out of town and having a blast. Am actually enjoying being away from some people and missing some others.

The Village Voice

You simply need to read stuff on the Village Voice to truly appreciate how screwed up things are here and around the world. For instance, a snippet from one of the headline articles:

Kuby said, "I'm all for random searches . . . but I do think the number of Caucasian, lactating mothers who have passed through al Qaeda training camps is negligible."

Go read the stuff. It is funny as shit....and also somewhat frightening.

It's a great feeling....alebit a horrible thing....to find out and to have all suspicions proven true that your "friends" have been talking shit behind your back. This is not something that should surprise me. Hell, I don;t think it even phases me. It;s just nice to be proven right to myself. I can;t wait to get the hell out of town on Monday and be away.

Man's Two Brains

I had an interesting revelation at 2 in the morning was I was watching Robin William;s latest comedy special for the fourth time. I was intently listening to his rant on fundamentalists, especially the reasoning behind the Muslim jihad and the whole 71 virgin thing in the Koran (which some scholars are finding is incorrectly translated). My observation: Men are even stupider than I once thought.

Men really ARE led around by their dicks in all matters of everyday life. When it comes to relationships, the "winning" girl is the one that gets them erect the hardest. When it comes to business, it is all about who has the bigger dick and can mark their territory the fastest. And now, with religion, people are willing to die and kill others because they are promised 71 virgin boxes. This should be no surprise to me, and it is not. I find both funny, stupid, and absolutely insane that guys are led by their dicks. Granted, the male fetus is a retardation of the original female fetus (which is what all babies start out as), and this just reinforces the stupidity of men.

I see the same behavior in some of my male friends who are both literally and figuratively led by their dicks in any and everything they do. They let go of their relationships, sacrifice themselves, and stupidly lash themselves to women because of one simple thing: sex and getting off. You would think that they woudl have better things to do that trying to service their dicks. That to me is nothing more than a waste of valuabl time to be doing something important. I don;t even give a fuck about the "we're young" argument. Fuck that shit. Make it meaningful or leave it alone. That "experience" bullshit is simply that. I have yet to meet anyone in their young years, or even their early 20s to have the kind of maturity needed for this kinf of stuff. They lack both the understanding of themselves or life. Now I am not touting or preaching celibacy, but my god, be a little discriminating and have enough of a fucking backbone to make a decision without having to worry about what your dick is going to get out of it or lose from it.

And people wonder why I have such few male friends....

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.31

1. Ever considered just deleting your Blog and not doing it anymore? What prompted that and what stopped you?

Yes....twice. I just woke up one day and flet like I had nothing to say. I almost felt as if the whole blog thing was just pointless. However, several rate e-mails later and me getting off my ass changed that. Although, every once in a while I think about dumping it.

2. How about a quick review of the last movie you saw?

I saw Signs. Great movie. Not what I thought it was going to be. I think Shyamalan is definitely one of the bets new directors to emerge in the last five years. He knows how to control a movie;s flow through both the script and the performances quite well. I also think he knows how to write movies that contain both intellectual elements and sensational elements. Something for everybody really. This particular movie was great in the way it created suspense and in the few "jump" moments that were very effective and not cheesy. I think he did a great job with the script and the dialogue especially the play on words of the title and the internal dialogues.

3. What's your favorite gadget? Are you lusting for any new ones? Will you ever be satisified???

Um....I am not really a gagdet person, so not sure what I put down here. I am rather impressed with that new tube-like thing that removes the skin off of garlic cloves by simply rolling it a few times on the countertop. I hate that garlic smell on my fingers when I try to peel them.

4. Saturday night I played "UNO" for the first time in years, I mean it has been over 10 years since I played it. It was great fun, but it really made me want to learn how to play Backgammon again. What "table game" do you enjoy playing most with other people? Have you played it lately?

Haven;t played a table game in a loooooooooooooooong time. However, I enjoyed playing UNO and Monopoly growing up and would love to try those again. I think table games should be revived. They were both fun and intellectualy stimulating. Not just the commercial mind fuck that most media outlets provide.

5. About a year ago I was obsessed with loosing weight, and I dropped pretty low before I got a handle on things (I've actually gained about 8 pounds of it back, and it is still a struggle sometimes to not try to loose it). Thankfully, I like fattening sweets and buttery popcorn too much to live like that for too long. Have you ever been obsessed with something so much that it was close to causing you physical or mental harm? If not, have you known anyone else who has?

Me? Obsessed? Noooooooooooooooo. Nothing that came close to causing me harm. I don;t have an addictive personality really. However, several people I know do and needlessly put themselves on the edge of destruction for one assinine reason or another.

6. Did you grow up in a family or community that displayed racist or prejudice attitudes? Did it influence you in any way, either toward or away from those views? How did you manage to avoid it, or did you?

I did not realize how racist my family was until I came to this country 11 years ago. It is a nice unhealthy blend of racism and prejudice to pretty much anything that falls under the category of "other." They fell into all the stretopyical trappings of ignorance without any basis of understanding or attempt to understand. I have been an open-minded person all my life so all their views did was reinforce my belief and make me think less of them. Ignorance is one thing, stupidity is another. And oh what a fine line exists between the two.

7. Good grief, I am starving! You got anything to eat around here?

I just went shopping so what do you want? I got me some balogna, some spaghetti, some cerela, sherbert. Whatchu want?

BONUS: What did you tell them?

Nothing. I say nothing to no one. What goes in one end never comes out there other.....get your mind out of the gutter.

I don;t know what is wrong with me. I have been so unmotivated to do anything. I am at a real low point in my life right now where i feel like nothing is going right. I feel like no matter what I do, how hard I try, or how patient I am, things are not working out. I have also been feeling so incredibly ill with a huge lack of any kind of symptoms. I have been unable to get up and do anything. I have felt so sick that I could not even do the simplest things as blogging or making dinner. I feel like a shit because I feel so ill and so down that I couldn;t even go see my friend for his birthday. I feel like an absolute ass about it, but I literally could not get up to even pick up the phone when people called. I wish I knew what was wrong and how to fix it. It;s one of those fatalistic things where you start to question everything, doubt anything, and expect nothing. I can;t stand not being in control of my life and myself.

And Finally....the Fount Erupts

I have nothing profound to blog about; however, I was watching Martha Stewart this morning. She was at the Iowa State Fair; I tuned in as she was observing the angus cow competition and she was talking to some 4th generation angus raiser. What was funny about him was the way he was talking about the cows and his family tradition of raising them. Now, I am all for tradition and what not but this guy came to tears about three times talking about the "heffers." Are people in Iowa THAT lonely?

Next she goes on to the food tents where her guest was an Indian guy dressed in jeans, plaid, and a neck bandana with a half beard...with an accent...talking about pies....near a COW competition. Oh, but it gets better....we go back to the cow competition and all these girls in the youth division are talking about their heffers/bulls and this one girl's cow started mooing loudly in the middle of her talking and she backhanded the thing across the face. I was laughing so hard; I was waiting for her to call the cow "Susan." And finally, the last segment featured some seed farm with rare and endangered plants and produce. Part of the piece focused on extractig seeds from tomatoes and fermenting them to get the membrane off the indivudal seeds. Well...Martha cannot control herself from tasting one of the jucy red tomatoes she is handling so she takes a piece then another one, and her guest, who runs the farm, says, "I'll try a piece of that," and reaches for one and she eats the piece and he keeps trying to get in on the action and she keeps scarfing down the tomatoes.

And that is how my day began....exciting isn't it? I am sure I will have something more intelligent to say later.