To the Anonymous Poster

Perhaps you should read back a couple of posts, then you would see that I can track comments. So really...making it anonymous is pointless since I tracked it back to you.....and how stupid can you possibly think I am that I would not know it is you. Come on now.

People.....People Who Are Morons

I deciced to forgo my typical emotional, whiny bitchy post in favor of what I first founded this damned blog on. Social criticism and pointing fucking stupid ass people....most of whom, unfortunately, I have had contact with in my life.

Two people in particular (actually, several others, but let me start with these and ease myself back into the game) are exemplary of the kind if people that not only fuck up this world, but need to get some serious Lacaanian Psychotherapy. I shall be ambiguous in my naming, but not in my description....because....frankly...I couldn;t give a shit if they read this and knew I was talking about them:

The "New" Chrisitian Teen, or, I Swear I am a Good Christian with Good Intentions who is Really a Two-Faced, Lying, Pathetically Desperate Sex Addict

I have run across a couple of these in the last 7 years, and it is always interesting how completely antithetical they are to what they purport to be and believe. I have come to the conclusion that most of the people in this ilk are simply pure evil. In every single way. I have yet to run acrozz any "good" Xtian who practies what they preach and is an exmaple of what is supposedly the religion that practices the most unconditional love. This person in particular, I have caught SEVERAL times lying, being deceptive, playing mind games, and totally disrespecting and breaking every belief they supposedly have. Needless to say that when confronted, they vehementy deny it and play it off as mere idle and gossip. But....sigh...it;s amazing how usful technology can be in ferreting out the truth. Now, none of this surprises me, especially since most of the people have found the person out to be what they really are. They have no power and respect anymore and they cannot even pretend to exhibit any fraction of truth. It is people like this that give not only religion and theology a bad name, but that make this society a bad one in which to live. Much like a parasite, they fester and feed on everything good about people in some effort of Christian Charity, only to have it explode back in their face and turn the other person farther away. What appalls, and intrigues, me about these people is the tenacity they have in repeatedly going back and trying to mend what is unrepariable, due to their own ludicrou devices. What is sick is that they will use whatever levels of deception and employ whatever pawns they want in the prusuit of what they think is a God-Ordained mission to save people. What is laughable is that the very people who cliam to be on missions and who cliam to be able to help and change others are the very ones ot need help and changing themselves. The ones who have no concrete belief and faith simply because they blindly accept without questioning and because they themselves are simply immature little grub worms. On a final, and somewhat short note, you can;t be pure of heart and pure of soul, and able to preach and convert the masses, if you need a serious bathing in holy water and some serious sin forgiving because you;re a friggin sex addict who "desecrates" their living temple and embodiment of Christ. Excuse me. Order of Hypocrisy and Irony at table one!

The Emotionally Handicapped Braniac with the Arrogant Facade who is Nothing More than A Whimpering Child Seeking Satisfaction through Controlling Others and Putting Them Down, or Why Someone Didn;t Get Enough Hugs as a Child

This one strikes me as a releatively newer category. I have come across very few people who are like this, but the one whom I do have extensive experience with should be the poster child of what happens to the offspring of seriously broken homes. It seems to me that some people who purport to know a lot about "educational" things are totally handicapped when it comes to life. Oh, they seem to be brave and able to handle any kind of problem of or situation, but in realiry, they hide behind some clay edifice of arrogance mixed with the fear to get emotionally close to someone. Instead, they waste their emotions on inanimate objects and revel in destroying those people whom they deem as weaker and lesser in both brain power and human capability. Interestingly enough, they are the ones who need the most help and cry out for help in the arms of random sex partners in some weak-minded effort to feel love and comfort; naturally, they portray it as being a "pimp." In conversations, they seem to be witty and challenege themselves with games of trying to stump and silence people, but it is no sport to prey on those who lack experience and knowledge. It;s like a wolf attacking a dead rabbit and strutting around like he chased it for hours on end and trapped it deviously. How sad and how desperate for someone to turn all their hurt and anger on those undeserving of it, and especially on those who are the ones who care the most. Granted, this may sound like sour grapes, but it is not, I assure you. I stopped caring a long time ago, and while that may seem heartless and cruel of me, I will not waste my time and emotion on those who lack the fortittuede to be human beings and compassionate for a fraction of a second. There is somethign to be said for human kindness, and while I have a lot of it to give all around to people, I simply do not think that this kind of person will benefit from it at all. So, go ahead and surround yourself with those you consider inferiors and feel like the king of the world. Sooner or later, you will be deposed and fall on your ass, and then where will you be?

Conclusion

While it may seem that I am being a hardened asshole in defining these kinds of people and passing judgement on them, understand that passing judgement usually infers some kind of ignorance to it. I have spent more than enough time being around these individuals to make an intelligent summation of their character. They have been found wanting and life will soon deal to them what they have tried to deal to others. You see, I have always believed Karma is a bitch. And when you fuck with fate, people, and lives, in a effort to bolster your ego and make you feel better about yourself, you get it back three times harders and worst. I have seen it happen time and time again, and I just choose to sit back and watch it happen. Revenge is best served in life's restaurant. Again, it may seem heartless and unkind of me to feel or think like this, but there are people in this world who are undeserving of any kind of sympathy because they bring the shit upon themselves and are resposible for making this word the dump that it is to live in sometimes. True, you have to have grit to go with the gravy, but even life has a strainer of some kinf to separate the wheat from the chaff (talk about your mixed and extended metaphors). So I leave this post with one final comment: Get a fucking clue.

It;s good to take control back of your life and emotions.

Until Tomorrow

I have a lot of things to blog about and get off my cyber chest. But one phrase has been running through my head for the last 48 hours:

Last night I stood on the edge of a precipice, and I didn;t know what to do

Don;t even ask. Been reevaluating a lot of things and discovering I am not liking a lot of it. Bad Bad Bad weekend.

Camel Licks

Well, after three years, it finally happened. I have blessed someone else with a camel lick. Now, it make sound gross, but it;s not. It;s very touching actually. It started in 1996 when I first licked one of my friend;s foreheads and she said, "Does tihs mean I am like your friend for life or something?" And that was it for me. Since then I have camel licked a few people as a mark of my undying friendship and love for them. Well tonight, on the spur I llicked the Elf. Not just once, but twice. It just felt like the right time. And when I lick...I LICK. I have a very viscous saliva, so if I don;t control it, it can be very wet. So his forehead was sufficiently soaked, but such is the price of undying love and friendship.

It is great having Tucker around. I missed working with him so much because we are always on the same wavelength and we compliment each other's talents so well. I miss him being aorund and being my roommate and late nigh conversations about the weirdest and coolest things. I am going to make themost of every single minute that he is here. I can;t wait to go to NY so I can work more with him (u ready MFT?). This will be a fun-filled weekend. Tomorrow I go to do laundry at my mom;s and have Dewayne come over to hang out, then I pick up the Elf and go to fondue at Carla's. Saturday I have rehearsal, then I go with the Elf to "someone's" house where one or both of us may be molested. My bet is on him. Then I hang out with Dewyane and people at night (at least I think, I never made solid plans with him). And then Sunday Jorge and I FINALLY start working on Sarah. I like being this busy. I like being able ot pay my bills quickly so I can move the hell away. YAY!!!

My God..i feel like dog shit. I am typing this so fast because it hurts to sit down for too long. It hurts to type. It hurts to breath. I feel nauseaous. I KNOW I did not spell that right.

The Truth About Dreams

Well, I had an interesting set of dreams last night all revolving around my emotional strength and stability and the various weays in which they were approached, torn down, and taken advantage of. I woke up feeling weak and exhausted. I have always prided myself on being a strong-willed person. You have to be when people tend to lean on you for support. No time to worry about your life and breakdown when someone else needs you. As a result, I have become a hardened individual on the outside who lets no one to very few people into my life and into my heart/emotions. Those that do always take a little piece of my heart with them, and in those moments when I let my guard down and become that sniveling little shit from high school, I recollect myself and become even harder and let even fewer people in. I am not sure if my dreams last night were a result of my letting my guard down again last night or a life-lesson to ease the fuck up and not become such a diamond-exterior asshole. I have serious issues with intimacy and committment, and always opt for surface relationships because I understand how fleeting permanence is (there's an oxymoron for you). But I also treasure those moments when I do trust enough and let people into my life who change me and leave an impact on me, for however long they are there. Still....I find that I often regress into a more immature emotional state when the guard is let down too much, and I pull back and try to be more mature about it. It;s tough to make sense of this in print. Sufficed to say, that the dreams were an eye opener.

Well...um....hm....huh

Well...having had enough of the whole damn waiting thing, I decided to call the lawyer when I got to work and let my displeasure be known. In the midst of my calm tirade, i hear the secretary walk in. It's the INS agent on the other line, but she just leaves a message so as not to bother him. The message is: Don;t worry. Everything's good ot go. It;s all set. Which would mean that I am ok and my app is going through and she has what she needs. HOWEVER, I am exercising some serious precaution and not gettin THAT ecstatic and celebratory until I have it in my mind. Now, I am hugely relieved and glad that she called back and everything is ok, but after this whole soured thing, I would rather be grounded and wait to see the result with my own eyes before I go buck wild. So for now... I have my green card and am waiting for it to materially appear. This is a good thing, right?

On another note....sometimes I feel like I am back in high school. Was talking to friend and I accidentally let slip some information that I assumed he knew. Naturally, as anyone would he prompted me for an explanation and tried to pump me for the info. Feeling stupid enough I felt it would be inappropriate (even if I came across the info deviously and accidentally). I have such a HUGE problem with trust (in others and what I exude) and sometimes I feel like letting out any kind or amount of information makes me seem less trustworthy in people's eyes. I pride myself on my steel-trap mouth and the confidence people have in me (sometimes after a mere three hours). I do feel like shit for letting it slip and for not following through, but it;s so hard to determine sometimes when I can even say something. Granted, I should just follow my general rule of not even letting on that I know anything, but people know better (at least those that know me). They know I know things. Wow..amazing how something so small can make someone feel so stupid. Although, I do find it odd to be apologizing for it. What a quandry.

Waiting for Life to Begin

Well....haven;t heard a damn thing....STILL. All of Friday, all of today....what in the hell is going on at that place. This is just ridiculous now. The whole experience has just been totally soured and I cannot believe I have to deal with this crap. It;'s not even a worry factor anymore...it;s now just plain old frustration. My lawyer isn;t doing shit and I have noc lue what is taking them so long to just flip over a card, say, "oh yeah," and process me on through. ARGH!!! This sux royal ass.

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.38

1. When I was young, my Mom would always drink a cold Dr. Pepper in the morning. Me, I can go either way. I like a Cold Frappucchino in the Summer months and switch to warm Mocha Espresso in the Fall. Do you like to drink warm beverages in the morning or do you prefer yours cold?

Cold. Usually ice cold waterto get me kick-started.

2. Have you ever been so upset with someone that you wanted to get revenge? What did you do? Or if you didn't, what would you like to have done?

Oh God yes. But then I think about Karma and how it can come back and bite you in the ass. I usuallyjust sit back patiently and wait for it to him them back. There is much more satisfaction in seeing someone get their just desserts by way of nature and life and not me.

3. Sometimes I can look back at my past and see so many things that I was too naive to take advantage of. A time where I could have moved ahead in my career if only I'd chosen to move, the High School girlfriend who said she would do anything if I just asked, and so on. Looking back, are there any opportunities you missed out on that you can see now but didn't realize then?

Not that I can think of although I am sure there are some.

4. Today I tried on my black slacks, and they are just a skosh too tight (yeah it's a real word, look it up). Of course, I wore them anyway. Are there any clothes you refuse to throw away even though they don't (and never will) fit? Why do you keep them?

Yes. Two pairs of jeans that all my friends from back home signed. The very first vest I ever bought because i used to be crazy about them. And a pair of holey boxers because...well...um...le;ts just say they are special.

5. Although my speech classes eliminated most if it, I still have a little Okie accent left. I say "Git" instead of "Get" and "Collar" instead of "Color." Do you have an accent? Are there any phrases or words you say that tip folks that "you aren't from around these parts?"

Only one word that I KNOW everyone else says wrong: iron. I say it like it is written i-ron, not as is socially pronounced, i-yearn. For the most part though I have NO accent and everyone assumes I grew up here because I am SO American in my speech.

6. Speaking of phrases, it really drives me nuts when folks say "very unique" (Unique has no degrees, it is either unique or it isn't) or "irregardless" (not a real word). Are there any words folks misspell or incorrect uses of words that simply drive you insane?

Oh yeah, all the time. And I am always correcting them, which they hate. But such is the life of an English teacher. I usually ignore them online though. There are no rules in cyberspace when it comes to im chats....not that I don;t occasionally correct them.

7. I am guilty of using pet names a bit too often, like "honey," "babe," and "sweetie." However, currently, no one uses ana pet names on me (and I think I'd like one). Are there any pet names that you like to be called? Any you don't? Do you (or did you) have any pet names for your partner?

No. I do not like pet names. To be called them. I used to use sweetie and honey a lot when I was younger. Now I use "trigger" a lot. But nothing saccharinely annoying. They just aggravate me.

BONUS: Why you so fly?

Because I caaaaaaaaaan be.

Green Card or No Green Card? Green Card or No Green Card?

So say that this has been the most worrisome and stressful weekend of my life would be an understatement. It would have and could have been the most joyous of my life...but no....things never seem to work out like that.

So as of Thursday at 11:30 I had my green card....as of Friday at 7:30 when I checked my messages, it was questionable. It seems that the agent was reviewing my file and was missing a document. The way my lawyer described the form on the message, I knew I was screwed. It was a renewal form that I KNEW I did not have because I was advised by him, the school AND INS that I NOT get it done or it would nullify my green card app. SO all of Thursday night, I was a wreck....a complete wreck. I am surprised I got any sleep.

So I wake up at 9 am and call the lawyer, and leave a message. He calls me back...turns out he was not referring to that but ANOTHER form....which I ALSO do not have. But this time, as it turns out, it is something I could never have gotten. The agent was looking for a "form of action" that officially noted my change from a visitor to a student....however, when I came into the country in 1990, the form was not even around. All they did then was stamp a little port-of-entry card for you. I am guessing she did not realize how long I have been here for. What strikes me as odd is that ALL my I-20's are signed by INS...which pretty much says that I am legally a student. I won;t go into the obvious head-slap on that one.

In any case, I was made to wait ALL day Friday with nary a word from anyone while I ran around on the phone getting info on the form and the proof and what not. I talked to everyone from USF to records in my old high school to the original person who signed my very first I-20....all to find out that the form does not even exist. Now....it's 4:30 and I have heard NOTHING from the lawyer, so I call over...and no one is there...they have gone home...and I am left wondering what in the hell my status is. So I take the initiative, get ballsy, and call INS in Washington. I was not expecting to get a hold of anyone, but luckily I got to talk to an officer. I explained the entire situation to her and from what I gathered: Yes, the form did NOT exist then. Yes, the stamp is the ONLY thing they need for verification. No, they can NOT take away my green card.

So I have to wait out the entire weekend trying not to think about it and just getting reassuring hugs from all the people in my life that I am loving and latching onto like never before. I am trying to soak up as much of them in case something horrible should happen. I feel like a co-dependant leech. I found out that the reason I did not hear anything on Friday was because the agent who handled my case was not in the office that day. I REALLY HOPE she is in tomorrow because I don;t know how much longer I can be patient.

I am trying not to be too fatalistic or optimistic about it. If everything I have been told is true, then I should be fine. However, I am leaving a little bit of room for doubt JUST IN CASE. You just never know how these things will turn out and people constantly telling me "It will be alright. Don;t worry," actually makes it worse for me. You had better believe that at 9 am tomorrow morning, my ass is getting on that phone and not stopping until someone gives me a friggin answer. I just can;t believe that this is happening, but on the flip side. I CAN believe it.

Nothing in my life has ever been attained through an easy route. I have had to learn to be patient and deal with the twists and turns and ups and downs. So this is just one more thing. I waited 13 years, I can wait another 24 hours to get a final answer....it;s just that aggravated anticipation of wanting to feel 100% free. I feel like someone untied one string off my wing, but left the other one on, so I am flapping around banging into the cage and spilling birdseed everywhere. No, Polly does not want a cracker. Polly wants his friggin' Green Card. Does the government know about the No Takesies Backsies rule?

Much thanks to the Elf for the love, hugs, and laughs. And to Sara for keeping me grounded and offering to lay a Wiccan curse on "their" asses.

Guess I should have learned my lesson and not expected everything to turn out perfectly. As it turns out, I may very well be getting my green card taken away from me because of a missing document that can't be filed or made. Long story. So I get to sit on pins and needles and just wait for the obvious rejection and subsequent ass-kicking-out. Nothing ever seems to work out for me....and it is always never my fault. It was nice for a while.

Run Freedom Run

Ok, I was going to wait until I got home, but I can;t hold it in. I GOT MY GREEN CARD!!!!! I went in at 10:15, just to be safe, waited around, my lawyer showed up at 5 to 11, got called in at 11, and I walked out of there at 11:30 with my card. I'll post the detaisl when I get home tonight and I;ll scan my temporary stamp until my card gets here. The full realization of what has happened hasn ot really hit me yet. After 13 years, it all seems like a dream. Can;t believe it actually happened. Talk about the shackles coming off and a weight being lifted. YAY!! I GOT MY GREEEEEEEEEEEEN CAAAAAAAAAAAAARD

And I got to talk to Boo today, which made me even happier. Good stuff. Can;t wait to see some of the peeps tonight and just give them a big old hug and tell them I love them.

Eleven and a Half Hours Left

Well...I'll be asleep in about an hour and then tomorrow is my big day. I am extremely excited and suffering from anxious anticipation. I just want to get it over with. I have ot wake up early and get some pictures done and then off I go to wait it out until I am called. Then I can have my silent anneurism until and while I get interviewed. So cross yer fingers and hope it all goes well. I will truly be the happiest I have ever been in my life (to this point) if and when this happens tomorrow.

Less Than 24 Hours to Go

Well...I feel like I am going to have an anneurism. It's not really nervousness as much as it excited anticipation. This has been a long time coming and I have been patient like a mofo. Not to mention being completely stresses the last 3 months, but I never said a word about it to anyone. Just kinda kept quiet so that I wouldn't stress myself out about it. Besides, I have enough to worry about with Uz and whatnot.

I have MUCH to say about it, but I need to go teach. Needless to say this has beena HUGE life lesson for me and something I can take with me to every show I do from now on. There is quite the seedy and hidden world to this that I would hope I never have to face, and sadly, I have and with the people I least expected it from. Just goes to show you what a little talent and a lot of ego can do to someone.

This-or-That Tuesday

1. Portland, Maine or Portland, Oregon? Maine, of course. New England ROCKS!

2. New York or New Jersey?Oh come on...like I even have to answer this. NEW YORK!!!!

3. Van Gogh or Van Halen?I am sure Sara would want me to say Van Halen...but I;ll go with the guy who cut off his ear for his art.

4. Bill Clinton or Bill Gates?Clinton. Despite what people may think, it was his business and he did a damn good job of running this country.

5. Leonardo daVinci or Leonardo DiCaprio?DiCaprio may be a good actor, but aside from a handful of moody movies, daVinci has given us some amazing pieces of art and theories.

6. "American Pie" or "American Idol"?Duh....Idol...I loves me some Kelly Clarkson and Tamyra Gray

7. George W. Bush or Curious George?Gee...I can;t imagine. Curious George. I won;t even go for the obvious joke here.

8. Billy Joel or Billy Idol?Joel. Nothing smart to say here.

9. Donny Osmond or Donald Duck?Although I listened to A LOT of Donny and Marie as a child, I LOVE Disney cartoons.

10. Dr. Seuss or Dr. Kevorkian?Kevorkian may be one of my peeps, but Dr Suess is a hell of a lot more fun.

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.37

1. Do you have a favorite piece of poetry or prose written by someone else? Care to share it?

Hmmm....that's tough one. Too many classic ones that I enjoy, but I really like this one cause it makes me laugh....and is SO true:

Friend,

When you are sad, ...I will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

2. In High School, did you enjoy creative writing? Do you currently do any other writing in addition to your Blog?

Yeah, whenever we got the chance to do it. I was always thinking up crazy characters, ideas and situations to write about. I do. I write in my physical journal, I write poetry when the feeling moves me to, and I am writing a book.

3. Have you ever noticed that the Blog entries you least expect to get the most comments do, and those you expect to generate a lot of feedback don't? Which Blog entry of yours surprised you by getting a lot of comments? Which one did you think would generate a lot but didn't?

I;m still waiting for all the poor bastards (and I mean that lovingly) who DO read my blog to get into the habit of posting something.

4. Sometimes you get a chance to make a lifestyle change that has a huge impact on the course your life takes. That is, a moment where something became very clear to you, and that realization changed your life, such as: the need to leave a relationship, to stop an addiction, to bond with someone, to start a new career, and so on. Have you ever had an "awakening" moment in your life?

God yes. Two REALLY big ones when I decided to "bond with someone" and take my friendships to a deeper level. Although one did not end harmoniously, I did learn a lot from it and have never regretted my time with the person. The other is more recent and I am still enjoying it and having fun exploring all the levels of it. I like the mystery, the quest, and the honesty of all of it. It;s great to be connected on such a close levekl with someone and it;s also great when you learn something new everyday. Kind of like keeping it fresh and clean. I have yet to feel bored with it, nor do I think I could ever regret my decision to let things happen. The best things happen out of the oddest circumstances sometimes.

5. Then there are other times where you can have a huge impact on someone else's life. You suggest they see a doctor, stop them from taking that last drink, or maybe just say some kind words at the moment. Have you made a lasting positive impact on the life of someone else?

I would like to think so, and I have been told so. I have always lived my life in the pursuit of two things: 1) Making people laugh (usually to the point when body fluids come out) 2) And helping them in any way I can--which sometimes leaves a positive impact or brings about some change. I don;t consciously seek out people like psyche cases, but when the opportunities come up, I let them happen naturally. I would like to think I have some kind of impact on people that I meet because i know that many certainly have had impact on me (whether positive or negative). I have only had a handful of people tell me so, so I am not entirely sure. But if I were to only imapct one person in my entire life, then I know that I will not haved lived and died in vain. That something I did helped someone out.

6. Are there any charities or organizations which you support? How did you come to be involved with them?

Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS> I got very interested in AIDS when I wrote a report on it in the 7th grade. I became totally involve dint he cause when a good friend of mine died from AIDS when I was 17. It was extremely devastating to me and made me realize that I had to do something more.

7. Care to collaborate with me? Help me out and write the rest of this poem:

I drifted through a dream last night,

visions full of colors bright.

My thoughts began to drift to you,

and in an instant we were two.

I touched your hand,

We began to blend,

Filled with a feeling

that should have no end.

And in this terpsichorean dream I found

A love so strong from a heart unbound.

And as I awoke I shed a tear

For I knew you were neither real nor near.

BONUS: Hey cutie, what's up with this attitude?

Check yourself, bitch. I ain;t got the attitude.

The Magic of King

I have yet to run into a Stephen King novel or movie (original or based) that I have not liked. There is something about his storytelling and the amazing and paradoxical way he mxes small town life with larger-than-life horrors. But...he is also extremely adept at writing non-horror stories with the passion and heart of a classicist. I saw Hearts in Atlantis tonight and REALLY liked it. What a great story and what great performances. It was definitely what I needed to wind down my long day of rehearsing.

To the Anonymous Blogger

To the moron who left the anonymous comment who thinks I must know jack shit about technology....don;t be such a fucking asshole and keep your nose out of my damned life. You have your own problems to worry about first of which is pulling our head out of your ass. And get a reality check....the post was rhetorical and don;t be a hypocrite....last time I checked you spend enough time on your ass whining and bitching and not doing...I at least attempt to, help, and DO make changes however small they may be.

Six Days to Freedom

Well...it finally happened. After a few weeks of high stress and wondering if INS would EVER send me a letter, I got a call from my lawyer this morning who informed me that they had been faxed the letter. So....on September 19, at 11 in the morning, I will be meeting with an INS agent. If the interview goes well, I will be walking out of there with my ticket to freedom....my Green Card. I don;t think it has really hit me yet. 12 years of waiting....patiently....trying to find a way to stay in the country after I graduated has paid off. This has been a dream of mine since i was a child wand first saw American TV. I have always wanted to live here, and it's finally going to happen. I just can;t believe it. Words cannot even express what I am feeling. To be free and to call a place home for real without feeling like a sqautter will be great. I am sure I will officially spaz out and go insane once they stamp my passport. And you had BETTER believe I am throwing a green card party to celebrate my independance. Keep dem fingers cross and hope everything goes well. WOOHOO!!!!

Remembering

Although I have not been in much of a mood to blog, I couldn;t let today pass without reflecting on the fact that I cannot believe that it has been a year since the attacks. It seems just like yesterday I woke up to one of the towers on fire, and then watching as the second plane crashed and the two towers evetually collapsing. I remember being glued ot my TV for at least 14 hours and just sitting in disbelief. To this day I still can;t believe it happened, and even after spending a week there in August and going ot the site, I just can;t fathom the lunacy of some people who fight in the name of some bullshit excuse they created to understand the world. No one can ever tell me that fundamentalists, no matter the side, are not dangerous. Fighting for a cause that stems from blind faith is the most idiotic and illogical thing for me to grasp. Fight for people who are in shackles. Fight for children who are battered and bruised. Fight for an impoverished people. DON'T fight for a god who may or may not exist based on seom assinine blind faith that stems from what is essentially a piece of literature. Oh how powerful words can be, and oh how stupid we as human beings can be. We debase ourselves in every possible way any chance we get and our history has shown it. It almost seems as if we won;t be happy until we destroy ourselves and everything around us. There is no justice, no bravery, and no result to be found in religiosity. Try thumping on your head for a change instead of the Bible. People and their friggin cause no matter how small or large: Destroy the infidels! Destroy the Savages! Brainwash the masses! Change people for the better! Get a friggin life! Try working on yourselves for a change before you start pointing fingers. ARGH! This makes me so mad that things like this have to happen. Not a day goes by that I don;t get angry about the Gulf War and what I had to endure during that. That same idiocy replays itself over and over again....same game, but always different players. When will we ever learn?

This-or-That Tuesday

1. Paper or plastic? Plastic. Less tree killing.

2. Stripes or plaid? Plaid of course. More fun.

3. Baseball or football? Try neither

4. TV or movies? Movies. Better sound and so much more fun.

5. Craig Kilborn or Conan O'Brien? O'Brien. SOmething geeky yet fun about him

6. Amazon or BN.com? Amazon. I love that treasure box. Sheesh.

7. Yahoo or Google? Google of course. It's the BEST!

8. Star Trek or Star Wars? Star Wars. Plot is better and mythic too.

9. Cats or dogs? Cats. Much better with people and taking care of themselves.

10. Is that for here or to go? Depends. Is anyone with me?

Recovery

I am doing better with coping with CJ being gone. It really hit me harder than I thought it would. I feel better today and getting the reassurance and caring from a certain someone really helped me a lot, more than I could probably ever express. Thank you.....and you knocked one more down :)

I have all these thoughts and words running around in my head that I need to get down in paper, but I need some sleep. So tomorrow.

Monday Mission 2.36 via PromoGuy dot net

1. Where were you and what was happening in your life the moment when you first became aware of what was happening at the World Trade Center in New York City last September 11th? What was the first thing you did when you heard the news?

I woke up at about 10 or so and turned on the TV to find one of the trade towers on fire and thought, "What in the hell happened?" When I found out it was a plane, I thought someone must have royally screwed up. Before I knew it, I saw the second plane hit live and I knew it was no mere coincidence. I was just shock. It wasn;t until I saw the first tower fall and then the other than I was in complete disbelief. I was contacting the staff at USF trying to keep them updated and to get any news. All I could remember was how mcuh it reminded me of the Gulf invasion when I lived in Kuwait and the nightmare it was for me then. The first thing I did when I heard the news was call my mom and tell her to turn the TV on.

2. When those truly responsible for the attack are apprehended, what do you think would be the most fitting form of justice?

"If" they are ever found, and if they were not even dead....you know, I am not sure. I don;t condone violence, and as much as I would love to say put them to death. I can't. Then again, less guilty people have been killed for less severe things. Justice will be served in one method or the other....and, it all depends on WHO finds the person(s).

3. This will probably be much like when our parents respond to "Where were you when JFK was shot?"- an event never forgotten by those who were there. But how do you think the history books should present the 9-11 attacks? Should it be included for all future generations? How can we truly convey the shock, the outrage, the emotions and pain of that day to the children of our children?

Of course it should be included, it is a piece of history. I just hope the historians get it right. There should be no bias, no finger pointing, no commercial commemorilzation of it. It you want to talk historically then forget about the emotional responses (I think it is assumed that any tragedy elicits sadness and anger).

4. No one in that building, in the Pentagon, or on the planes (other than the terrorists) knew that 9-11 would be their last day to be alive. For me, it brought home the reality that I could be gone at anytime, without any warning. Now, I really want each day to have some value. Did the events of 9-11 bring about a change in the way you live your life?

No. I always live every day as if it were my last. Being through two wars has desentitized me in regards to my attitude changing. Anymore and I would be a recluse.

5. Several who loved to fly in planes will not step foot in one anymore. Many parents are more protective of their children. A year later, do you find yourself feeling more secure than back then? Or is it just a matter of time before something else happens?

I won;t live my life in fear. Whatever will happen is going to happen.

6. The best way for me to honor the those impacted by the attack will be to refrain from any media that day. No papers, no radio and especially no television. Others will light candles, and others will attend special services. What, if anything, will you do to personally reflect on the tragedy?

Live my life and have a quiet moment. Life does not and should not stop. We should not dwell on the past, but remember it and learn from it. Celebrate it? No. At least not with parades and whatever activities people come up with. We don;t celebrate the Holocaust do we? Silent Memorialization is sometimes stronger.

7. One of the visuals that touched me the most were the walls and walls full of hand made "Missing" posters. What image will you always have in your mind when you recall the events of 9-11?
The only standing frame of one of the towers. It says so much with so little.

BONUS: Who's gonna come around when you break?
I wish I knew. Hard for me to accept the "people care" ethos.

A Little Relief

Don;t know why I didn;t post about this in the last entry. I spent a nice day hanging out with Sara and Ana. We had originally planned on Friday night to go see Possession, and, of course, we were late to the movie, but not too badly. I really enjoyed. I guess it helps to me literary-minded otherwise you can;t really appreciate the movie and its dual plot. In any case, we spent the rest of the day doing lunch, running errands, and just laughing. It was good to get out and just forget about everything and have some fun. It's moments like this when I can appreciate, moreso than any other time, my close friends. We've made plans to hang out with the Elf on Friday...this time WITH Harmonie present. They have really taken a liking to him. They can;t seem to stop talking about him and plan on using him to compare notes on me. Evil people. They want to go to Islands of Adventure and bring him along too....as well as a Halloween party.....and Sara's birthday.....am I being replaced here????

I have never crossed my circles of friends before, so this was a nice thing to try out, and it worked out great. We're four (no five) people who like ot just kick back, have fun, and laugh our asses off, so it works out nicely.

Saying Goodbye Sucks

Well, at 1 this afternoon, my boo, CJ, left to go to college in Scotland. As if it was not hard enough that he is leaving; I barely got ot spend any time with him or say goodbye in person. Granted, I did spend 7 days in New York with him, but I wanted the chance to say by face-to-face and he waited till the night before to call me back. In any case, it really sucks that he is gone. But, I know he is going there to become better than he is now and to get an education. I am really going to miss him. He is one of the very few friends who have lasted so long. I first met him when I was a senior in high school and he was in middle school, just a strange kid whose coffin I borrowed for a party and whose mother's car I drove...and I had no clue who the kid was. I got to see him grow into his teen years (THATwas harrowing) and to see him become a fine young adult. I am so proud of everything he has accomplished and for the person he is, has become, and will become. I know he;ll probably never see this post, but I am so thankful for his friendship and for all the laughs. He has been a constant companion to me and I am sure I will see him again soon. I mean, he IS coming back during XMAS. Nevertheless, thanks for all the laughs and caring, CJ. You always be my boo, boo.

This is just depressing....

Fuck It Bucket

It;s one of those days. I feel like shit, I am sore, I am exhausted, I am on an emotional roller fucking coaster ride, and Sara and the Elf seem to think I am having these GRAND orgies all the time.

And what? Say something I don't like.

The nice part of the day is that I get to go to the movies with the gals and I get a "fun" phone call from the Elf.

Fun Night

Well, I had fun tonight with the Elf and the girls. Unfortunately, Harmonie could not be there because she was shackled ot her husband for the evening (ick), but we had fun. We were rather reserved however; it was odd. We are going to set up another time when all four of us can be there so Nate can get the full effect. It was very cool of them to just accept him so quickly and easily. We were talking about all kinds of shit. It was hysterical. So thanks girls and thanks Nate for meeting my friends. Until next time....

On another note, I was not pleased ot have some of my evening ruined by two phone calls I had to deal with. Let me point out now that I HATE lying. I cannot stand people who lie...especially to me. I would rather someone beat the shit out of me or call me names ot my face than lie to me. That is the thing I cannot abide and is the surest way to lose my respect and friendship. I've also got too much shit on my mind with the green card lottery and stuff. My future and livelihood rests on one letter which has 26 more days ot get here or I am screwed. I just don't knwo what I am going to do.

What in the....?

Please explain to me why for four times in a row, my Amazon treasure box has featured this item. Have these people not tracked my purchased items???

Here;s what's worse. The other items were:

1) A Lawn Mower

2) A Power Mower

3) A Hello Kitty Board Game

4) A Side Chair

Amazon....you need to get your priorities checked yo.

How Ghetto is Too Ghetto?

On the way home from a rather frustrating rehearsal, I came across three interesting sights:

1) Taking the off-ramp to my street I notice a car basically on top of another as if trying to push them off the road. I had no friggin clue what was going on. We get to the light at the end of the CURVED ramp and I look over and notice that one of the cars is pushing the other because, I assume, the other is not working. They actually did a damn good job of maneuvering it.

2) I had a craving for a taco so I pass by Taco Bell and behind the order thingie is a barrel with no lid and a label on it that said "Nondigestible Oil." even scarier was the woman behind the window with the red vaselined hands. Shudder.

3) A car heading down the road with the driver door ducktaped shut..

I just have no clue....

On another note, I am enjoying my new part time job. Carrying three is fun fun fun. But I get to do what I love and i get to practice and hone my skills...even if the material is...interesting. Oh you don;t even know.

School is going well. I love my students. Very sharp and astute and willing to learn anything. Got a couple of whiners, but I suspect they will be weeded out soon enough.

Tomorrow night is the big night. The Elf and I are going to hang out with Sara, Ana, and Harmonie. God help the Elf because those girls are a handful. It will be a lot of fun and I think this is something that will do him good. He;s been in a wee bit of a slump. I really feel for him because I totally understand how he feels and where he is coming from. This is will sound really bad, and it is not meant to, but it feels really weird to be close and connected with someone again. I wouldn;t trade it for anything, but it is taking some adjusting from my end.

YAY!!!!! KELLY WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

THERE IS JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am such a dizzy queen sometimes. I am soooooooo excited right now. I LOVE this girl.

Born for Porn

Look out world, here I come. No pun intended.

Wilhelm Coxx

Salvadore Jammer

Two Days of Fun, Food, and Abuse

Wow....I can;t even begin to explain how much fun I have had this weekend. This was something I have needed for a LONG time. It started with hanging out with the Elf on Friday and then just got better all weekend.

I was "roped" into going to Dre and Stephen's house so I coudl record some songs to send to a couple of theatres. They were kind of enough to try and squeze me in between recording the gang's (my dancing crew and kids) voices for the cast album. Let me just first say, that I got NOOOOOOO recording done. We couldn;t figure out how to make it work and we were wsting time so they moved to everyone else and I didn;t even get to go in once. But that's cool because I had a mad crazy ass time. I don;t even know where to begin. So I'll just list it in no particular order:

1) Danny making dinner: a shrimp dish, "Danny's Balls" (a concoction of plantanos, pork skins, bacon bits and oil) which basically dre out all the moisture from your mouth.
2) An AMAZING breakfast, one like I have not had in a LONG time.

3) Sitting down and eating in a "family" sense. Something I have almost never had, at least not like this.

4) Staying up until 4 am unable to sleep because the gang were making so much noise downstairs, the volume was SO loud on the Cats video they were watching, and I was FULL of food and ice cream and Hawiain Punch.

5) Being abused by Nate (elf) in every which way, sense, and style. It was intermixed with several hugs and joking, and MUCH...and I do mean MUCH....talking about stuff. I am LOVING every minute of my friendship with him. This is something I have not experienced before and I am just enjoying it. I am loving that we are becoming comfortable enough with each other that we can talk about anything. Of course, my bitch ass has yet to open up, but everything in it;s own time. The time spent with him over the last three days is both something I will never forget and something I will never take for granted.

6) Spontaneously going to Blockbuster to rent Scary Movie 2 because Elf and I could no stop laughing about one of the lines, and then laughing our asses off at the movie.

7) Laughing....A LOT. And not just laughing, but "hee-ing."

8) Cuddling up to almost every single person in that house, some of which were manhandling me and should have stayed away from my junk and my trunk.

9) Making two huge loaves of mozarella sandwiches and pulling a lady and the tramp moment with Elf as Danny took a picture and proceeded to call us "maricons." THis coming form the same guy who kept asking me to dance with him and then smacking my ass.

10) Eating A LOT of junk food. I don;t think I have eaten like this in a LONG time. It was not a good thing in light of that fact that I watched myself dancing in a video and I am a fat ass motherfucker. I need to lose some serious weight because it was just embarassing and wrong. I do not belong on stage until I look right. Tim eto go into overdrive with my weight loss. Dirt Devil here I come.

11) Feeling very close and connected with people and renewing some hidden emotions with some old friends.

12) An in tense game/abusive tendency of "slaps." I am covered with red marks....but...so is the other person :)

13) Wanna see pictures?

I am sure I missing some stuff, but man, this is a weekend I will never forget, and neither, I think, will the upcomign one. Nate wants to meet mah "girls" so on Friday he and I are hanging out with Sara, Ana, and Harmonie. May God have mercy on our soul. For now, back to the daily grind of teaching and making a living. And on a final note:

I'm gonna piss on your face, and then fart in your mouth, then I;m gonna shit all over these walls. Oh. Was that too dirty?

PromoGuy's Monday Mission 2.35

1. What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you on a date?

I don;t date. I have never even had one. So nothing embarassing to relate.

2. Do you eat your veggies?

Yes. Not as much as I do, but I do loves em. In fact, I hear some veggies calling.

3. Most people are comfortable going to the bathroom in front of at least one person. Has anyone ever used the restroom in front of you that you wish wouldn't have? What happened and how bad was it?

Nope. I have HORRIBLE pee fright, so I am always in the bathroom by myself or with at least lots of people making a lot of noise. It unnerves me. However, I HATE it when I AM in dire need and I just have to deal and the person next to me is pooping and is just making all kinds of noises and emitting all kinds of smells

4. Have you ever had a bad online transaction? You know, the item wasn't what you thought it would be, you got totally ripped-off, no refunds, it just plain sucked? What's the story there?

Yes. Someone bid on a item I had up, and never responded back to me, so I never got the money and I still have the item. Fucker...

5. Ever have a current love find any old love letters (or similar item) you kept that probably should have been thrown away? How did that turn out?

Nope.

6. A secretary at work was telling me about a trip she took to Mardi Gras. She showed off her beaded necklaces and proudly said she "earned' each and every one of them (for those not familiar with this tradition, ladies walking up Burbon St. in New Orleans will flash people who are upon the balconies, in return the guys will throw them worthless plastic necklaces). I was shocked, I had no idea this quiet gal had a wild side. Was there ever a time when you did something totally outrageous because you knew no one would know who you were, or maybe didn't care even if they did?

Yes. I had different sides to me. Althought lately I have been caring less and less and shocking people with all the sides of me. Right, Elf? It;s kinda funny watching people;s reactions.

7. Hey, what happened to you last night? I waited forever!

If you had a sense of direction you would have found me. :)

BONUS: I know I could break you down, but what good would it do?

Well, first of all, you couldn;t break me down without my allowing it. And you would be one of VERY few to get to know the real me and know who I am on the inside and what I am all about.