What Am I Doing? Where Am I Going? And Why Am I In This Handbasket

People are very open-minded about new things--as long as they're exactly like the old ones.

Can someone out there cut me a break and give me a friggin job???? So the reality has hit me that getting a master's degree was not a good thing; although, how was I to know a war would break out and crap out the economy and thus my chances of getting gainful employment that I am not "overly qualified" for. I have filled out so many applications and sent out so many e-mails that I have lost count. So either I am being racially profiled or no one wants to pay my M.A. ass. This sucks because I HATE just sitting at home and I have bills coming up and dwindling bank account. I keep joking with my friends that I am going to start giving handjobs to pay electricity bills. Won't THAT last statement be wonderful fodder for familial speculation and gossiping behind closed doors...which I DO know all about ya know.

On an unrelated note. This is going to be a sad week as two very important people in my life go away for a couple of months. It;s going to leave a rather empty feeling in myself. It is going to suck to say the least. I am going to miss these people terribly and look forward to the short communications when possible and the moment of their return with open arms and a glad heart. I am just in one of those places where I need to surround myself with people I love and care about and who I know return the same sentiment unconditionally. Fehpahblah gooch.

Artistic Rant Ahead. You are Forewarned

I am in a rut artisitically. I had a good four hour conversation with the artistic director of the ballet studio/company I work for, who is also a good friend. My recent piece, while musically interesting and great, I feel has turned out to be one huge pile of shit. I look at the sections of the piece I have done and think "What am I doing?" I am choreographing in new styles and mediums I am not as familiar with as what I am used to. I feel like people are going to point and stare and laugh and say "Who is he fooling? He does not know what he is doing." Yeah, I am experimenting with more balletic stuff mixed in with my jazz stuff. I am eschewing the Fosse stuff because I am tired of being stuck in a box where people don't think I can do anything else. And according to Mark I am choreographing to vocabulary, which he is right about. I feel like I am doing a shitty ass job. I am not conveying a message. I am creating a showpiece and I am a big believer about pieces having a meaning. Although I am liking Balanchine's idea of dance for dance's sake and not as a slave to plot and meaning. Still, I have set out to create a mood, a story, an idea and I feel like I am letting myself and the dancers down creating choreography that just is not me. Yet a part of me likes that. Likes that I am coloring outside of the box. Creating and using moves that are not the Fadi norm, but I don't know if they are being used correctly and not coming across as some joke. Kind of like "Oh there goes the jazz guy trying to do ballet." I have choreographed ballet pieces before, albeit short ones, and they have come out pretty well. Hell, when I did West Side Story I immersed myself in ballet and stayed away from the Robbins choreography as much as possible. But then, I guess it was easier because there was a plot, a narrative, lines, dialogue and so on. And on one hand I think my piece does not have that, but on the other hand it has songs with lyrics and characters I have created. I have created a dance script and for some reason the point is not coming across. I don't know if it is the moves, or the dancers just not getting it. Am I asking too much? Am I not doing good enough?

Something else that is bothering me is that people are looking at me more and more as a choreographer and not as a performer which is what I initially starte dout doing. Three people have now said "Oh you sing?" when it used to be "You choreograph? You can dance?" People who have never heard me sing are shocked when they discover I can. Of course, they are even more shocked when they find out I have no dance training and am able to "pull off" what I do. This is such a rut. I wanted to have both worlds in case one did not work out when I went to NY. I may have the ability but I am not an easy type to cast because I am very ethnic and not white American. You wouldn;t catch me in the chorus of Hairspray. Ya know? I don't know. I just feel paranoia and anxiety because I don;t knwo if my work is any good or if I am heading in the right direction. My god, I am becoming Bob Fosse. Oh Crispy Jeebis. I just don't know what to do. I feel I have a lot to prove after the success of my first piece and I feel like I am going to fall flat on my face with this one and embarass myself. But I don;t want to feel what everyone thinks: that I can only work in one style and nothing more. Ugh. I hate this. I need a fresh eye to look at what I have done and give me feedback.