This has been an exhasuting day....mentally, physically, emotionally and any other -ally's I can't think of right now. It started by waking up at 10 a.m. from a VERY restless sleep at my mom;s house to go to a party/costume warehouse to get some supplies. I head to the theatre for dress rehearsal....the day of the show.....the DAY OF the show.....and have to deal with people treating me like shit and being ingrates. After a VERY shaky and rough rehearsal....2 hours before the show.....TWO hours BEFORE the show, I go full force into doing make-up and creature features and spirit gumming and attaching hair and dealing with divas.
The hardest part of the day was talking to a really good friend who had sent a message through another friend that I call him. I became the hardest kind of rock in someone;s life today than I have ever had to be. My friend's brother was killed in a car accident this week and what is worse is that no one is sure how the accident happened. After the initial shock of the news, I had to become supportive and loving....which is not a problem for me....but it was about something I have a hard time being "normal" about. I am very nonchalant about the whole idea of death. I can sympathize with people;s feelings and the sentiment behind it, but I have never had a "sad" reaction to someone dying. Don;t get me wrong, I don;t run around being happy and saying "Yippee!" But I think it is just a natural process of life that I have come to accept as inevitable. I do get the sense of emptiness inside and a feeling of missing the person (depending on who it is) but I have cried, never felt depressed for a long period of time, never had the "normal" reactions. However, that does not diminish the support and advice I tried to give to him. It was so hard for me to deal with that I can only imagine how hard it must have been for him. He had been trying to call me since Tuesday but did not have my number. I can only be there for him and remind him that he is loved and does have someone there for him. He has been through so much that this is just another shit brick in the crap oven of life.
The show went well. I am justy such a perfectionist that the dancers have come to understand that I will never be ecstatically happy with anything I create. There is alwasy room for perfection, always room to do something better, always room to improve. I have HIGH standards. I feel bad not being to give them the reaction they want, but I can;t lie and give them a false sense of belief. However, out of the 5 pieces in the show I choreographed....one was superb, one was great, and the rest left me shaking my head and wishing I could just die. Granted, an audience probably does not see the same mistakes I do, but it does not matter to me. There is no room for mistakes and slacking. Well, errors do happen as the natural process of performing....and that is an aspect I love about live theatre.....but STUPID mistakes....no excuse. I should be happy about the performances, but I amjust not satisfied with all of them...I have a few....VERY few....dancers who actually work their asses off to improve and perform to their peak....and the rest take their abilities for granted. I just don;t know if I can keep doing this anymore...the whole choreographing/dancing thing. I really want to hang the shoes up for good.
Aside from that, I deal with the normal doses of people walking all over and taking me for granted. Well, a couple to be more exact. I waste my time with people who can;t be there for me when I need them or don't realize how much I do need them sometimes. I deal with people who take advantage of my kindness and just assume they can do and say whatever they want to me....because I can take it. I deal with people who don;t understand the simple concept of returning phone calls and hearing the desperate cry for help and comfort. I deal with people who don't understand what it is all about and just think of nothing but themselves. But what they don't get is that I am a person.....I am not as strong....not as resilient....not as patient.....not as hopeful.....as everyone seems to think I am.
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