"As Adam early in the morning..." or, Oh Shit! That Big Ass Grasshopper Landed on Me! AHHHHHHHH!!!

Today was interesting. And if I could conjure any other boring ass opener than that I should be killed. I woke up and got a bug in my ass to go work out again. I was having a "fat day." Hanging out with too many girls is getting to me. So, I go to the workout room and hop on the treadmill....my old, neverending, no-destination friend. After 10 minutes, I say fuck it and jump off and get in my car and drive to Flatwoods Park. Sara introduced me to that park and I would sometimes acoompany her on her walks/blading outings. Blading? Sounds like we went around jumping out of bushes and cutting unsuspecting joggers and bikers. So I arrive and manage to remember the trail she took me on. For the next hour, and I can't believe it only took that long, I walked through 7 miles of forested trails with the breeze blowing on my face and the sun shining on my back. It was a great experience. I had a walkman with me that died about 20 minutes into my sojourn, but that ended up being a blessing. I was left with nothing else but nature itself, and I relished in it for all 7 miles.

There is something about walking alone in the woods and listening to the sounds of nature. The wind through tall grass, pine cones dropping their seeds, grasshoppers jumping and whirring, drangonflies whizzing by, armadillos audibly trodding like elephants tromping through a jungle, and the occasional sound of water rippling. At one point, I just stopped and lied down in a patch of tall grass and just let my senses run rampant. It has been so long since I have just put myself in that kind of vacuous sensory overload. I forgot about every single bit of enculturated civilization. Every bit of technology and reliance on the "other." Everything that made me forget the most basic instinct of humans...to go back to nature. It really is just in us. I used to love walking around parks and looking at all that life, and at some point I just got too busy. Today I went back to that place and realized how much I missed it. Before I knew it I was back at my car, a sweating and tired mess, but I felt revived. Oddly enough, soon after I got home I just felt this sense of longing and emptiness. It has not gone away and I find myself somewhat sad, but not in a depressed way. It;s kind of hard to explain. It;s almost like I am jonesing to go back among the trees and wildlife and realizing what is poisoning me in my current environment.

My ultimate nature fantasy is a symphony of senses. I want to lie in a field of grass surrounded by trees and water. A sunny day, with a few clouds in which the sun can play hide and seek. A slight breeze blowing; strong enough to make my hair wave like the blades of grass, but not overwhelming to sound like an onerous tunneled train. I want to lie there, close my eyes, feel the sun and wind and listen to the orchestra of mother nature's musicians. The low bass of crickets and grasshoppers. The soprano wind blowing through the trees. The percussive creek churning around rocks and the falling leaves beating the soft ground. The tenorous birds chirping in counterpointed melodies and harmonies. The baritone beating of dragonfly and butterfly wings. I love dragonflies and would venture to say they are my favorie insects. I want to see them darting in and out of the blades of grass. To look up and see a swarm of them above me. To feel them landing on me and to feel the breeze of their oblong wings. I want to lose myself in that world and to feel like I am just another part of the composition.

What a fucking great birthday present that would be......

The Hills are Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, with the Sound of Mucus....Ahhhhhhhhhhhaaahhahhhhackhackhack

I have arrived home from seeing the Eight 'O Clock theatre production of The Sound of Music and to be quite honest, it was not that bad at all. First of all, I am not a fan of that show. I am not a fan of many older musicals, which I know is sacrilege to utter and believe, considering how much of a show queen I am. But I find many of them dated and constructed poorly. I understand their relevance considering the times and understand their immense contribution to the face of musical theatre today, but I still don't like 'em. As such, I have never been a fan of R&H musicals, especially the Von Trapp one. Oddly enough, I reveled in the movie when I was younger and would watch it endlessly. I saw only one other live production of this show and hated it. This one, I actually enjoyed. Aside from a few lackluster performances, and some performances which could and should have been stronger and which I felt were restrained, I enjoyed it. Tucker assembled a great orchestra, as usual. Amanda made a great Maria and it was wonderful to hear her sing soprano; she has made some great strides as a performer. Gary was a compassionate Captain and played the part against stereotype; his singing was surprisingly on key for most of the show. I winced only once or twice. And David wholeheartedly surprised me with his dancing prowess onstage. I was taken aback and shocked that he was moving that well, despite his huge progress in dance class. That proud and shocked feeling gave way to my feeling like a total failure for not being able to make him look that good in Footloose. James got him to look like a dancer, and I didn't. To say nothing of James' abilities, I felt like a waste of space. I often wondered if I had tried just a little harder or spent a little more time. . . . S***y D. I do feel that I let you down and last night kind of proved it. But kudos to you for that stuff, it looked great. The sets were great. I LOVED listening to the pieces sung by the nuns (something about canonical music really stirs my soul). I HATED having to say "hi" to so many people and to get overcrowded. I wish I could be the kind of person who enjoyed all the attention, but I just don;t and hate to be in those situations. People find that hard to believe because most assume I am an egomaniac. But that assumption stems from my being aloof, a perfectionist, and overly passionate about my work. Although the show was long, I did enjoy it. Could use a wee bit more polish, but I suspect that will happen as the show progresses. No show I ever opened was perfect on opening night. The magic of live theatre. And still....watching the show did not give me the itch to get on that stage. Although I seriously regret having to drop out of Of Thee I Sing with Fortner, I am so relieved that I don't have to step foot on a stage, and I just don't know if I ever will or ever will want to again. One night things or industrials sure. Rehearsals and long performance weeks, I don't know.

Anyway, kudos to all three of you and break a leg for the rest of it.

You Never Know What Will Pop Out of Your Boxers

Well....what a day then. Taught morning class, let them go early. Attended a guest speaker lecture with my second class. Bored out of my mind. Met up with Jorge for lunch and some light shopping, got two VERY cool eyebrow rings from a vendor that actually had different styles in stock. Went to USF to cancel my class. Came back home. Got undressed. Picked out my clothes for the soiree tonight and realized as I scratched my neck: SHIT!! WHERE THE HELL IS MY NECKLACE!?!?!? Now ordinarily, I would not freak out quite so badly. But this specific wooden acoutrement is of great sentimnetal value to me as is the person who gave it to me. I tore my apartment and car apart cursing because I knew the neklace had a weak clasp and was prone to popping off. So I left Jorge napping on my couch and drove to downtown Tampa and scoured 3 buildings and 2 parking lots. Nothing. Went to Brandon to scour the restaurant. Nothing. Decided not to go to the mall because Jorge did not recall my wearing it there. Came back home. Scoured my car. Nothing. Scoured my apartment. Nothing. Thought ot myself: Who is it the Catholics pray to when they lose something? Saint Christopher? Hey St. Chris. Help me find it....pleeeeeeeeeeease. I go into the bathroom. Get undressed to take a shower. Remove my boxers and out falls the necklace. I am instantly relieved. I look around and realize....whoa....that was odd. But thank GOD I found it.

Does this mean I have to be Catholic now? That would be interesting. An ex-Muslim, ex-Orthodox, agnostic with atheistic tendecies who enjoys wafting across the stage. The Camel....a Catholic. Let the giggles and guffaws begin.

Sunrise, Sunset.....Sunrise, Sunplosion

I just came back from lying on the grass around the lake and looking up at the sky. Sounds so tree-huggy, but it has been a long time since I had a chance to just connect with nature and forget about everything. The night sky is so clear tonight and it is just chilly enough to be enjoyable. Of course, the entire day's weather seems to make sense now in light of the huge ass solar flare that hit us. In any case, seeing the stars reminded me of a night during my escape during the Gulf War when we spent the night inthe desert. I vividly recall looking up at the sky and seeing thousands upon thousands of pinpoints of light; some flickering, some steady. It seemed to fulfill every childhood fantasy and dream I had about the night sky. I was obsessed with astronomy (at one point, I wanted to be an astronomer....jack-of-all-trades indeed) and stars. Tonight was great. I let everything go and just enoyed what was right before me. So simple and so complex. And now, I am back in my socially created world trapped in the four walls of this crazy little thing called life (to borrow and modify a phrase). Eh....

Get it out! Get it out! It's too big

Good lord. I looked at my blog on an 800x600 resolution and thing was just mammoth. The graphic soaks up more than half the page. So I did a little tinkering and now it all fits nicely on the page. The last thing I need to do is redo the comment page so it does not reflect my very first blog. Although it is rather nostalgic, I would rather be anally thematic. Class tonight -- mundane. Ride home -- boring though thrilling with the cold night air. Shave and Shower -- I lactated. What now? Dinner and grading essays. You know you're jealous of MY thrilling life. D-Dawg....I look forward to tomorrow.

Ah, the Smell of Nature.....and Sewage

I must say that it is rather a beautiful day outside. The kind of day that Romantic poets wrote odes about. The sky is ABSOLUTELY clear and blue. A slight breeze creating a mild comfortable temperature. No heat, but the sun is out shining. Birds are whistling and squirels are running about. And there is a hint of sewage and garbage as I walk around campus. Aside from the last item, the day itself is pretty cool. Classes were moderate to stormy. The customary after-class hang out with Nate was temperate and sunny. And if I extend this metaphor any further, I may have to yak all over myself in a torrential downpour of monsoon porportions.

Teaching.....the Profession Where One Feels the Urge to Shove Pencils in His Eyes

Yes, I know the title is sexist, but I am referring to myself and I hate using the his or her construction.

I have returned from my final class of the day and want to clean my brain with a handy wipe. I used to love teaching and facing new challenges and watching students faces as that light bulb went off over their head. Nowadays I feel like I mildly tolerate it as I deal with students who feel they are owed something as a result of a flawed and benign educational system that, despite its best, well-intentioned efforts, is being run into the ground by a governor whose lineage must be filled with slack-jawed illiterate morons.

That being said, I find it insulting that I often have to stand in front of a classroom and deal with neo-Gen X'ers who can't seem to grasp the basics of life and school, like following directions, and who seem to want to take the lazy way out in terms of critical thinking/analysis in favor of a more Seussian-Jack and Jill approach to ideas. Hell, even Dr. Suess was more analytical than some of these students in their verbal and written rhetoric. I try to be patient, but the struggle to remain calm while disseminating information/knowledge and wanting to scream and tell some of them to drop out of college and not waste their parent's money is rough. It is amazing how the student body has changed over one year. Last year, I had a good group of students who were like sponges willing to listen to and cut apart any and everything that I threw in their path. They had their own voices and used them in loud proclamations. This year, I have students who actually think "specific" is pronounced "pacific" and argue with me over whom is correct.

My one saving grace is my comp class at the University of Tampa. They are an amazing group of students, each with their individual personalities who make no excuses for who they are or what they think. They are hard working, even if they do fall into the whining trap sometimes. I look forward to that class. They are engaging and make me laugh every class we have. I love being able to have open discussions with them and know that they will not only get what I am taling about, but also argue over issues and points. They make it worthwhile. Private university students are of a different ilk. However, my preparatory writing students at the same university seem to have a VERY tough time understanding that English grammar follows certain established rules. I find that I repeat myself OFTEN on the simplest concepts and constantly have to reinforce the notion that just because they learned to speak and hear the language a certain way does not mean it is correct. I had so much less trouble with my affectionately called "ghetto kids" at HCC in Ybor. They were willing to admit that what they knew was wrong and although they scoffed at some of the rules, they understood what knowing proper grammar meant in the hierarchy of things.

I try to look at all of this as just another challenge; something to help me grow as a teacher. But I find myself uneasy in classrooms now and impatient to get out and get home. I think I have overstayed my welcome in academia and need something else to keep my mind going. My mom was right....I am a HUGE jack-of-all-trades.

Bit by bit....Putting it Together...

Well somewhere amidst the turmoil that was today, I decided to say to hell with grading and focus on something creative in an effort to purge the demons out of me. Ironically, what I ended up with was a very modern, clean, simple look. And somehow....it seems to work for me. Not done tweaking it, but I wanted to get it uploaded to get some feedback and suggestions first. So....?

More on everything else later...upon looking at some of these entries was is first very apparent is....I am a grammarian's nightmare...I really do just throw caution to the wind and say damned be to the rules. And second, these posts have gotten way too morbidly depressive in light of my past posts. This is NOT to be some emo blog. I should save that for my journal....a shadowed representation of this rhetoric.

In any case.....long week ahead of me.....very long indeed.

And with every beginning....comes and end....thank god....

The show is over. It went well. Thankfully,I was pre-occupied most of the time during the show with doing Nate's make-up for his Kashchei character....not that that stopped me form poo-pooing my work on another level. Glutton for punishment anyone. Wish I could say the shows were all great, but I found some of my pieces lacking. Some of the dancers were consistent, they performed at their peak, others did not and I felt insulted and disrespected by their behaviors and performances. Thus the joy of being a choreographer. You become your dancers' biggest supporter and their harshest critic.

Diane and Josh were really cool about foolowing me home last night to keep me company for while. We had gone to Applebee's after the show, but I coudl not bear being in the back room with the rest of the company. The noise of the room, the heat, and the presence of certain people I did not want to be around were enough for me to ask to be moved. I called Mark, who was left out of the loop, and asked him to meet us there and the four of us had a great time just laughing. I felt better.

After DIane and Josh left, I got a surprise visit from someone and ended up having a great night until 2 in the morning. It is times like this when the simplest gestures and actions prove who my biggest friends are....yet through it all once thought still prevails....GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I decided to take a full-time job at a high school for almost more than double my pay PLUS benefits (hello) so I can start saving more money, clearing more debt, and making more room for my escape route. I just want a new perspective, a new start, and a new outlook. Until then...it is back to grading for me....

Eventually, this blog will get redesigned.

Long Day's Journey Into the Maelstrom

There are many ways of going forward, but there is only one way of standing still.

This has been an exhasuting day....mentally, physically, emotionally and any other -ally's I can't think of right now. It started by waking up at 10 a.m. from a VERY restless sleep at my mom;s house to go to a party/costume warehouse to get some supplies. I head to the theatre for dress rehearsal....the day of the show.....the DAY OF the show.....and have to deal with people treating me like shit and being ingrates. After a VERY shaky and rough rehearsal....2 hours before the show.....TWO hours BEFORE the show, I go full force into doing make-up and creature features and spirit gumming and attaching hair and dealing with divas.

The hardest part of the day was talking to a really good friend who had sent a message through another friend that I call him. I became the hardest kind of rock in someone;s life today than I have ever had to be. My friend's brother was killed in a car accident this week and what is worse is that no one is sure how the accident happened. After the initial shock of the news, I had to become supportive and loving....which is not a problem for me....but it was about something I have a hard time being "normal" about. I am very nonchalant about the whole idea of death. I can sympathize with people;s feelings and the sentiment behind it, but I have never had a "sad" reaction to someone dying. Don;t get me wrong, I don;t run around being happy and saying "Yippee!" But I think it is just a natural process of life that I have come to accept as inevitable. I do get the sense of emptiness inside and a feeling of missing the person (depending on who it is) but I have cried, never felt depressed for a long period of time, never had the "normal" reactions. However, that does not diminish the support and advice I tried to give to him. It was so hard for me to deal with that I can only imagine how hard it must have been for him. He had been trying to call me since Tuesday but did not have my number. I can only be there for him and remind him that he is loved and does have someone there for him. He has been through so much that this is just another shit brick in the crap oven of life.

The show went well. I am justy such a perfectionist that the dancers have come to understand that I will never be ecstatically happy with anything I create. There is alwasy room for perfection, always room to do something better, always room to improve. I have HIGH standards. I feel bad not being to give them the reaction they want, but I can;t lie and give them a false sense of belief. However, out of the 5 pieces in the show I choreographed....one was superb, one was great, and the rest left me shaking my head and wishing I could just die. Granted, an audience probably does not see the same mistakes I do, but it does not matter to me. There is no room for mistakes and slacking. Well, errors do happen as the natural process of performing....and that is an aspect I love about live theatre.....but STUPID mistakes....no excuse. I should be happy about the performances, but I amjust not satisfied with all of them...I have a few....VERY few....dancers who actually work their asses off to improve and perform to their peak....and the rest take their abilities for granted. I just don;t know if I can keep doing this anymore...the whole choreographing/dancing thing. I really want to hang the shoes up for good.

Aside from that, I deal with the normal doses of people walking all over and taking me for granted. Well, a couple to be more exact. I waste my time with people who can;t be there for me when I need them or don't realize how much I do need them sometimes. I deal with people who take advantage of my kindness and just assume they can do and say whatever they want to me....because I can take it. I deal with people who don;t understand the simple concept of returning phone calls and hearing the desperate cry for help and comfort. I deal with people who don't understand what it is all about and just think of nothing but themselves. But what they don't get is that I am a person.....I am not as strong....not as resilient....not as patient.....not as hopeful.....as everyone seems to think I am.

Changes

At some point I will change the layout of this blog. I am over the whole fun and fancy free design and want to go for something a little darker....kind of hard with a name like CamelBlog, but I would what I can. However, I did manage to create what I think is a pretty cool blog design for the elf, so when you get a chance, check out NateBlog.

Things are going roughly right now and I am trying to keep my head afloat. Too many changes, too many trust issues, and too many feelings of wanting to erase everyone from my life and going far away to start everything new again. I feel the itch to pack up and just leave and not say anything to anyone. I am aggravated, stressed out, so busy I don;t have time to deal with other stuff, and have to deal with juvenile bullshit that is so not important right now.

My mind just went blank and I have nothing else to say.