Light Refracting Through the Lens

Well tonight was just ducky. Got together with the Elf and had a nice time just hanging out and talking about stuff and then getting all creative and abstract for a photo shoot. It felt so good to get a camera back in my hands and to be able to "paint" a picture and capture it on a celluloid canvas. It has been 6 years since I stood behind a camera and took a picture and I can;t describe how amazing tonight was to be able to do that. And to be able to do it with someone who truly trusts you and is willing to try crazy shit (give or take a few misgivings) and be cool with it feels amazing. One of the hardest things as a photographer is to have a "subect" that can relax and trust, and the Elf did, after a while ;) We;ve made plans to do a gothic shoot which should be fun because I love the dark moody compositions that play with light and texture. I am eager ot get them developed and hope they come out alright. Elf....Sunday....will be awesome. Thank you again.

You tell ANYONE!!!!

Philosphy of Pacing

I warn you, I am about to get somewhat philosophical and rhetorical....or maybe I'll just spew out mounds of bullshit that make no sense to anyone but myself.....whatever.

I find it odd and somewhat cliche that things do have a way of repeating themselves. Patterns of abuses, patterns of attraction, patterns of destruction. It became somewhat trite to speak of the way history has of repeating itself, but it becomes evident as I grow older how true it is and how sometimes inescapable those loops are. Or maybe that's my sense of self-rationalization in some scapegoating effort. Makes me seem irresponsible...I;m not. I seem to have less patience to deal with those things that I used to revel in and which made me who I am today. Those seemingly negatory experiences and people whom I derided with so much malice and antipathy are the very same things that I seem to latch onto now. The difference is....I;m tired. I am SO tired of it. I am beginning to feel the weight of all those things I carry and beginning to feel that enough is quite truly enough. Why am I accepting and allowing the blame for things that I know have NOTHING to do with me? And why do I allow people to do that to me. Weighing the options of backing down and confrontations often is not difficult for me. I am for the former not the latter. Not because I am incapable of the latter, but because I know HOW capable I am of it. I abandoned being the evil asshole a long time ago because it made me feel less of a person. I was taking out my aggression and my anger out on people who had nothing to do with it. While I admit the acts were somewhat pleasurable because they induced a great sense of power I recognize that I pushed so many important people away from me. People whom I now think about often with fondness and regret. But everything happens for a reason; ain;t no going back and no use sitting here thinking about the what if's. But I feel that in my "growth" I have allowed in those elements guised with good intentions....oh that road to hell. Working and questioning are unnecessary and speak volumes. Trusting and believing are not. Those are not the weaker things. People who fear them, don't understand them, refuse to allow those things in...deem them weak constructs in an effort to pass themselves off as being smart and strong. I used to be one of those people. The alternative is not necessarily better, not necessarily worse. But it;s better than thinking of a life alone; a life lived in mediocrity and suspicions; a life lived without ever having truly let go and enjoyed SOME of the things life has.

I ramble. I ramble because I can. Because....fuck you.

What brought this on? Looking through a bag of old pictures. Looking at things now. Looking at the complications and understanding more than ever than letting go is truly the hardest thing to do, especially when it is the only option left in a battle that is futile and out of your hands.

Does any of this make sense? Or am I spinning my theoretical wheels in a pathetic muck of pity?

Startling Revelation

So all these years I thought the damn slogan for Sara Lee was: Nobody does it like Sara Lee.

But no....oh no....

i just saw another commercial for it where they show the slogan. It's actually: Nobody doesn;t like Sara Lee.

And we wonder why most people can't form a simple grammatically correct statement. I prefer the first to the latter; has more emphasis and punch to it.

Reading Christopher Moore's Lamb. An amazing book. The subtitle says it all: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal. You MUST get the book.

Feeling rather anti-social and lonely right now. Been a bad weekend.

Veni, Vidi, VeXmas

Well, I survived the first half of the holidays and came out with a minimum of scars and trauma. Xmas Eve was uneventful barring the traditional mother-son arguments, and the persistent questions about my love life and if I would be interested in meeting a nice Armenian girl. My ass is next on the chopping block, but I don't think they realize they are barking up the wrong tree. I am sure that statement will be taken completely out of context and imbued with some meaning I did not intend since some peopole seem to divine out of this blog some rather assinine and wholly incorrect things about me and what I do. But I say bless the poor sods for not having anything better to do in their lives than to create some soap opera out of mine. I do have to say that not seeing my relatives for a whole year all the time certainly presents me with some surprising changes as I witness people grow older as they head towards adulthood or the grave. It's both somber and promising, yet I can't help feel somewhat removed and unsure in whatever family lineage exists and remains.

Had brunch this morning with some close friends. In fact, they are the four most important people in my life and it was nice having them all there and being able to do something for them. They do mean a lot to me and seem to each fulfill some role in my life that I lack, whether positive or negative.

Aside from all this, I am licking the wounds from a very harsh lesson and wake up call and hoping I can finally just let things go and allow myself to be surrounded by more positive things. I didn't deserve it. I never have, I never did, and I never will deserve that.

An Elf To Warm the Heart

Since I can;t leave you a comment on your Xanga....thank you Nate. What you said has made up for one shitty week and holiday season. You have no idea how much what you have said means to me on so many levels. And you are welcome in more ways than I can possibly explain. Your honesty and love were and are a beacon in the night for me.

See you soon, Elf.

The Undying Trilogy

I am not well.....I say the last installment of the Lord of Rings trilogy. I was a complete mess during the movie. More than I have EVER been in a movie. I have been in quite a blue funk all day because of it. BUt what an amazing fucking movie. I mean I have no words to be able to expresss how amazing it is. HOWEVER, midway through the movie, the projector shuts off.....yeah...people were NOT pleased. It did come back on, but not at the same spot, so I am not sure how much was missed. It didn;t seem like much. We all got free passes afterwards and I do plan on going back and seeing it again....and again....and again. By far the best of the three. If you don;t sniffle, youare not human.

Teaching high school....not what I thought....not sure if I can whore myself for the money just for the sake of the money and be miserable. Not sure what to do anymore.

Crawling Back from the Depths

I have grown to abhor the act of sleeping and lying in my bed. Being sick just escalates my pithy attitude towards it. And I still feel no better. And I start my new job tomorrow. And I feel like shit. And I have to wake up at 6 am. And I am not whining...I am bitching. Actually, I am looking forward to the new teaching thing. I am hoping that it revitalizes my concept of teaching, even though it IS in a Florida high school. Nevertheless, the school is new, the administration seems great, and I was told I have flexibility with my courses, which is always nice. Plus, the whole economic thing doesn;t hurt. Real pay and actual benefits. I;ve been playing the pro and con weighing game and keep flip flopping between wanting to do it or not. I am sure it is just pre-first day jitters. Not sure what I am nervous about. It;s not about dealing with the student body because I can handle that (I think). It;s just the whole new environment thing. But it should be fun fun fun.

Aside from all that, much of this week has been a blur of snotted wads of kleenex and pools of nyquil and alka-seltzer flu stuff. Add to that the impending feeling of doom and panic I have every morning I wake up. And the nagging pyro-emotional-technics of people still under the impression that I am someone to take advantage of and to treat like a carpet because I am so nice and always lend a helping hand. I am the universal backscratcher that rests between the cheeks of a morbidly obese naked man and an urine stained lazy boy recliner.

That's it...I have the plague..I feel my life ebb and flow.. Auntie Em? Auntie Em? Is that you? I can;t seem to stay awake. I keep sleeping. This sucks some serious motherfuzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......zzzzzzzzzzz

Kingdom Hearts Rulz!!! Geeky Enough for ya?

[ps2speak] Ok, just revisted the game and decided to just start at the top and work my way through the end. I am loving every minute of it. The game is a feast of visual, aural, and literal sumptuousness. It's a smorgasbord of fun fun fun. However, has anyone else who has played the game noticed how much of a POON Donald is????? Just an observation [/ps2speak]

All the World is a Stage, and Some of the Actors are Fucking it Up

Ok, David Sedaris. Love the man. Great essayist and humorist. Reminds me of so much and so many people. Has a couple of plays under his belt. Go to see one of them, Santaland Diaries, at American Stage ("St. Pete;s Off Broadway Experience"). It was pathetic. It was horrible. It was the saddest excuse for "acting" I have ever witnessed in my life. The actor did not get the material. He performed it like a stand up routine and actually forced pauses and forced laughs from the audience. The character went from gay, which is an essential component, to being straight. The curtain call consisted of him motioning for more applause. I was disgusted and appalled at the fact that this guy was invited down to this show in Florida after a "hit" run in Tennessee....then again.....it;s Tennessee. But the repeated moments of hilarity and stomach-holding laughter more than made up for it.

I am sick....AGAIN...what is this now? Number 4? This is just ridiculous. I mean this one is SHIT too. I feel horrible. I have not been able ot make any money off the studio because of vacation and the show and now I am sick. Yo, this poor thing be creeping back up again. But, at least I start at the high school next week. That is gonna be some hefty paychecks coming in. I hope.

Office Supply and Electronics Stores. My weaknesses. there are so many games out right now for the PS2 that I want (all curious people, see the wishlist link above) and movies and music and such. Argh! This is driving me crazy.

Someone bring me some chicken soup. Nurse me back to health.

Happy Birthday! Baby Jesus!

Burning the Midnight Oil....No, that's just the stack of flaming poo I had to grade.

Just got done grading projects and papers.

Never ceases to amaze me how stupid some people can be in simple terms of following directions.

Spent hours on the phone catching up with Tony, Tim, Jorge and David (400 years, David....400 years ;) Was good talking to you). Needed it to get over the day and coming week.

Keep pissing me off and bury those daggers people, it just gives me more reason to tell you to fuck off and be on my merry way.

Well.....I'm back. Things went well. That's pretty much all I have to or can say about it. Back to the grind I go.